밀당

I did a search to see if the ingoring your girlfriend who you love and cherish was a Korean thing or if this guy is just messing with me.

I found out its something called push and pull http://cyjh.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Date-a-Korean ...

Thanks but I will pass on being treated coldly. If I was able to be with my ex then I would have been with him. You cant push me into the water when Im in the middle of a huge parking lot...

I have read that Korean guys can be cold and all but damn. I think I will pass on the whole omg Im so happy to be dating a Korean guy, they are the best...

All I have to say is that Im glad it happened now instead of when I was with him and had no way to get back home

Must have been with an onion...

100% Me...

Start of a New Chapter...

Photo credit: pixabay

I have decided that even though I'm currently unowned and I'm a free slave that I will continue to write in this journal because there is a lot of insight into myself written here.

A person's life doesn't start over just because a person they cared about left. They continue on and add that to their life experience.

I also like to write; even if its just for myself.

I don't necessary hate my ex because without him I would have never wanted to learn about Korea.

I hope one day I can afford to take the TOESL test and teach English in Korea or Japan

Current mood...

Never thought a kpop song would ever deciribe how I feel but this is 100% me right now

Idk...

I do love my Master but I hate the way he constantly ignores me. Master was wonderful at first because he would message me almost everyday but now he only seems to message me when he wants me to do his English work.

I have made a promise that I wouldnt leave my Master but Im starting to regret making that promise...

All it is doing is making me back into an emotionless cold heated bitch...

I remember my Master saying he was thankful to me but it doesnt show. It almost felt like it was saying thank you to a customer for buying something...

I just feel so alone and unloved...

I dont know what I want to do yet but I know what must be done...

People dont change unless they want to

Understand...

I understand it now when I ask my mom how can could stand to be married to my dad for over 30 years. She thinks of other things because my dad hardly ever pays her any attention. She also reads romance books because she never gets any romance.

I dont need to read things because of my awesome imagation.

I really do feel like I have been married for a long time and Im just taken for granted that I will  always be here.

Yes Master is busy but I need him too. Im like a flower without the sun. I will wilt and die...

Also I remember my Master either saying that he didnt want his property to think or else he wrote that in his ad that  I saw on fetlife...

If he doesnt want me to think he better make sure I dont get bored...

If Im not doing anything I day dream a lot...

Here is a list of some of the things I have thought of...

*While Im doing arrends my Master randomly takles me and has sex with me right where we are
*Sex in the woods
*Sex in the librabry (basically any and every place)
*Master lets me have my own slave boy and we turn him into a cuckhold
*Me and Master move over to South Korea and he gets a few idols to fuck me
*Master working at home and he has me chained under his desk and its my job to keep sucking his dick
*Master making pornos with me
*Master beating my ass till its purple then him checking me to make sure Im ok, then we fuck and he continues to spank me. After he is done he takes care of me and fixes me tea and soup
*And soooo many more things. Too many to list.

I will do anything for my Master as long as it isnt illegal, immoral, and Im the only woman his is with. Im fine if Master wants me to be with other men (as long as Master is there with me and has picked the men himself) but I would feel hurt and betrayed if Master wants to have another female.

Also...

Sick and tried of seeing twerking videos all over the net, esp facebook.

Class beats trash everyday.

I know Im not super classy but I try to act like I am...

~~~

The more exclusive and elusive a person is the more valuable they are. They are a super rare one of a kind commodity.

I strive to be different, rare, and unique.

My circle of friends is super small. (Just Horace)

Master is my friend too but he is so much more than that to me. He is my everything.

Dont Just Think of Yourself...

My dad wanted to go to the Popeye's near us so he could get himself a chicken dinner. He said he doesnt have enough money to get everybody a chicken dinner so he is just getting a chicken dinner for himself. I told him that he should think about other people too and not just think about himself. He told me that I just wanted a chicken dinner too... Fried chicken is the grossest food that I have eaten and wouldnt eat it even if I was starving... Hell I cant stand eating fast food period because its nasty tasting, smells horrible, makes me sick, and has a ton of additives. Thank you but I rather not poison myself with the food I eat. I also also eaten so much chicken I dont like it anymore.

I keep telling my dad to stop wasting money on junk food but he is like its his money and he will buy whatever he wants...

I cant wait until Im able to leave here

Procrastinator...

I think Master is a procrastinator. Whenever I need to do something I usually do it right away unless Im busy or not feeling well. In school I always finished projects and papers as soon as possible. Its never good to rush because there is a higher chance of errors and the quality will be lower than if you didnt need to rush. Though one time I purposely waited to do a paper at the last minute just so I could experience pulling an all-nigther... I never did that again because I was dead and I slept through most of my classes.

I dont mind when Master gives me things last minute but I would prefer if I had ample time to make sure that I was able to do as best as possible. When I have to rush I might miss things and usually there isnt time to go over what I have done... Also when Im tired my English is horrible... I hope I didnt mess up too much last night. I tried my best but most of the things I could tell what I wrote and sent him and what he wrote himself... I could understand what I wrote... What my Master wrote I was like huh, I understand these words are English but none of this makes any since...

Proud Momma...

Even though I havent had any children yet, I seem to be a natural with kids.

The last family reunion we went to my brother bought his youngest kid from his second marriage. At the end of the reunion when my brother was saying good bye; my nephew was reaching out for me, I though he wanted a huge but he wanted a kiss. I was the only person he kissed too... My mom was so jealous... and all I did was feed my nephew watermelon...

I feel the same with this kitten. Its so small, a little bigger than my hand, but it loves me a lot. Im so happy that it slept with me. It even kissed me on the lips a few times, it did hurt, but I dont care; its love.

I cant wait till me and Master are able to start our own family

So True...

As long as Master doesnt give up on me; I wont give up on him <3

Me Just Being Weird...

Strange thing about me is besides NCIS I dont ever watch American tv shows.

American music I dont listen to either except for Marilyn Manson. Cant stand talentless people that are only a hit because their songs are like a virus that spreads around. I want songs that mean something, heavy on imagery and sound awesome without needing to to heavily tuned.

The song that I use as my theme song is this...

Also love this song by him too...

This is why I love vampires; because love is eternal, ever lasting, never dieing...

All in all America is bad, but there are worst places. America is full of brainless drones that let others think for themselves. Lies are turned in truth as long as you are willing to pay the right price


Oh... I cant forget to add this song to my favorites too <3

Things Im Thankful For...

1. My past: Even though my past wasnt good or happy, Im still thankful for it because without it I would not be the same person.

2. My mom: Without her I doubt I would be alive.

3. My stubbornness and fierce loyalty: Without these I couldnt be in an LDR.

4. My Master: Despite everything he is the best thing to ever to happen to me. I couldnt even see myself being with anybody else but him.

5. And this is well yeah.... Im thankful for seeing this (though I much rather worship my Master's body. I will just imagine this is what my Master looks like)

First Snow...

Today is the first snow of the season. I had to go out and buy some things for tomorrow so I couldnt stay inside. Since I dont have anything but slippers, dress shoes, and running shoes; I had to borrow my dad's size 13 huge yellow rubber boots. They are hard for me to walk in because they are so big but they kept my feet dry and warm...

I did get a lot of looks from people in the grocery store because the boots made me walk funny. The way I have to walk in those boots kinda reminded of using the Stair Master machine when I used to go to the gym. I hated the Stair Master so much; loved the elliptical soooo much though.

I did make sure I was warm enough. In Fact when I was walking back home, my glasses where fogging up and I was burning hot.

~

I havent heard anything from Master yet. I wish I didnt miss his calls a few days ago :(

~~~~~

This is also the picture of the light bulb when I was trying to change it earlier today. Never had a light bulb that the glass part separated from the metal part before

Really...

The light bulb in the lamp in the living blew and I tried changing it but I cant get the bulb to turn at all. I told my dad about it and he was like well keep trying, he didnt even offer to help. I have told my parents that this rain is making my body feel like I was ran over by a train. Moving makes me be in even more pain.

I dont even know why I even tried asking him for help

Just Realized...

Both my dad and my brother both pass out when they see blood, needles, and generally doesnt like doctors and hospitals. My brother threw up when the doctor sawed off his cast when he broke his arm. He also passed out when our mom got out of surgery a few years ago. My dad never helped any of us kids when we got hurt bad. I remember our mom was the one to always clean and dress any wounds we got.

Maybe this whole I hate seeing blood and needles is either a learned behavior or else its something in the genes.

Im ok..

Yes call me even more stupid than normal but I totally texted my best friend before I felt my house just to make sure I wouldnt get beat down and mugged because Im white...

I heard of the riots and stuff because of the Ferguson thing... I just wanted to make sure

~~~~

Saw this on the stall door of the bathroom in the library near me. The bathroom floor was a little flooded and it automatically made me think of Moaning Myrtle...

I was hoping to find to ghost there and I would ask it if it needed help...

Its kinda hard to see the writing but it says: No one is eva saf here (no one is ever safe here) - yes the lack of spelling did get to me but Im just glad that the correct here was used...

Kinda funny too because when I usually take pics I use my cell but today I thought Im gonna take my camera...

If I didnt bring my camera I highly doubt that even the scratches would be visible in the pic

Missed Call...

I was busy and missed two calls from my Master. Hope he calls again soon. Also hope he understands that I wont leave him unless he tells me that he doesnt want me any more.

I understand he is too busy for me and I cant rely on him so I must be happy with relying on myself.

~~~

This is why I love the Sakuma true route in Hadaka Shitsuji.... Just change the word butler with slave and thats me <3

Barriers...

Submission takes a lot out of a person. Whether its the Master that breaks down the slave's emotional barriers, or if the sub does it herself; if there isnt balance in the slave's life it will cause her emotions to go on a roller-coaster. Its the Master's job to make sure that everything is balanced, or it can really mess up her mind and mess with her moods.

If I have to keep myself stable than I will, but as a word of caution its creating an emotional barrier. I rather not be in control but if I must than I must. I will not stand for feeling horrible. No more tears.

Still not sure what I want to do but Im willing to ride this out until the train crashes. Going out in a big fire ball of death sounds pretty awesome, even if it kills me.

Dropping Hard...

I feel horrible...

Havent talked to my Master in a few weeks. I tell him things but he doesnt reply...

When he allowed me to see him a few days ago it didnt help at all...

It made me feel like I was looking at something I could never have...

I keep telling him I hate feeling alone but this keeps happening...

I hate this feeling I have but its feels like we are over...

Im too emotional to talk to him now...

Contemplating...

I feel like me and my Master are at a point where nothing else is gonna happen until we are able to be together...

I came up with the idea last night that if we arent together in a set period of time then Im to be released. Though I dont really want it. I promised him I would be patient and Im super depressed that I still havent found a job no matter how many applications I put in. I just want to be with my Master.

Yes I do think of wonderful things that sound great but I never do them because I much prefer being told what to do...

Thats one of the reasons I failed at selling Mary Kay...

Being my own boss and owning my own business just doesnt work for me...

I love to be completely and utterly controlled...

Really wish my Master would take more control over me. I have given him many opportunities but he never took advantage. I just hope he is different in person. If he lets me free to do whatever I will not be happy...

Gotta remember my Master told me to be patient and he is the one that wanted to get back with me so he does want me. I also highly doubt I could find anybody else that understands my body as well as he does. Never had a man ever be able to tell when Im cumming just by the sound...

Also his voice... <3

Yes I have a voice fetish. If he didnt sound like what he does I would not be as willing to give complete control of myself to him...

~~~

The closest sounding guy (besides Top) is V from BTS...

This so reminds me of my Master when he talks <3

Breathe...

Besides the whole period thing I hate these emotional roller coasters...


Promise myself I wont chew out my Master for not paying attention to me even though I have repeatedly and specifically told him that I hate feeling alone and ignored...

If I ever happen to find out that he really isnt busy with work and family... He better be glad we arent living together...

I used to be a very angry person when I was younger but I have found that its easier to just let fate take care of things... Plus fate does a much better job at causing others agony than I ever can. My ex happened to tell me that after we broke up his first child was still born and the ass hole of his brother that tried to break my door down and rape me died from cancer.

Though if people ever mess with my feelings they better wish they were dead...

I remember when I used to terrorize my brother and he would be so scared of me. I like to think that I helped shaped him into the fearless badass that he is today

Aigoo...

I have been reading my book about Korea and Im on the history part. What I found the most interesting is that no matter how many invasions, Japan trying to remove anything Korean, and times of poor economy; they kept moving forward and never gave up...

History was my least favorite thing to learn about because it is just a reminder of how stupid and greedy people can get. If you go after something out of your means you will lose. Be happy with what you have and know that the grass is only greener on the other side because it has been painted to look that way...


~~~~

This show is torture to watch because of all the yummy foods that Im unable to eat...

I want some eel sooo bad. It looks so good

http://www.viki.com/videos/1028415v-lets-eat-episode-7?origin=autoplay

Worried...

At my Master...

He is having eye pain, headaches, and sensitivity to light...


I have been known to worry a lot...

Even my ex wouldnt tell me if he was sick because he knew that I would be worried to death...

I just hope that whatever is causing him pain isnt serious like a brain tumor...

I would be lost without him...

Even that month without him I was miserable...

Whats Your Fantasy...

I have no idea why but one of the things I have always fantasized about is to have a bunch of Asian guys gang bang me... Its a mix of them being polite and quiet but yet they want to do something the exact opposite...

I have never really wanted this though because gang bangs and rape doesnt really interest me...

However...

One of the first things my Master mentioned to me was he wanted his friends to gang bang me at his graduation. At first I thought; sure  whatevers as long as your there and in control of the situation its fine; but now after drooling over the hot kpop boy bands I defiantly want my own harem of cute Asian men. As long as my Master is the only dominate man there and the other guys are submissive to me and my Master...

My mind does wondrous (and torturous) things and I have already came up with my own little fantasy about it...

Me and Asian 7 guys... All of the men are bi and have been looking for one woman to join their group to fuck, worship, train, and take care off... The group is called the 7 Dragons and each guy likes to do different things. Im basically their fuck toy and am to be used by more than one of them and one goal is to be able to take two of the men in my vagina at once...

I highly doubt I would like it in real life because Im super loyal and when Im with a guy all other men dont exist to me. Hell even with music I only like one group at a time and right now its happens to be BTS...

In fact this music video is what made me come up with the 7 Dragons thingy...

 

Miss My Master...

His eyes have been bothering him a lot and is is super busy with work but I have been missing him like crazy...

Also my doc messed up my birth control and I havent been able to get refill for about a week so my hormones are messed up...

And a lot of things...

Having no job and no money during the holidays really sucks. I remember my first job I had my parents said I saved Christmas because I was able to buy gifts for everybody...

My mom even had to say that when she was 31 she was pregnant with me...

Right now I just feel so down and plan useless...

Eleven Years Difference...

Besides me smiling,the lighting and camera difference. I dont see many changes... Well except I stopped coloring my hair. I do miss having more red in my hair but my skin hated it... 

Also wtf happened to my eye brows in 2003. Maybe it was the make up

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow I turn 31.

I plan on wearing my famous stop traffic red dress to take a pik in it and compare it with the original pic I took in it to see how much I have aged.


The original pic I took when I was about 18, maybe 19.

All I Want For My Birthday...

Is for the temperature to be above freezing...

Doubt it will happen but who knows. A girl can wish cant she?

Its Offical...

While cutting potatoes out in the kitchen I noticed steam...

I was like where it the steam coming from because there is no hot water...

I kept looking and I noticed the steam was from me...


Its official Im smoking hot :P

(Repost) Ugh Shopping...

 (This is a repost from earlier because I accidentally deleted it. Luckily it was the cached. This was posted around 11am-ish; before the incident with the random guy harassing your bitch Sir)


Im probably one of the few women that doesnt enjoy shopping very much...

Before I go shopping I have something in mind that I want to buy already and if I cant find it then I dont get anything...

I also do the whole how often will I use this thing... I have talked myself out of buying so many things...

Hope I can find some boots today... Something that is plain and black (maybe has some pink because every since Master said that my collar might be pink, pink has been my color)...

No Ugs. I will not be caught dead in those. I want some nice quality snow boots that are hopefully around $40...

Im the same way with men as I am with shopping...

Yes Im shy but Im not afraid to go up to a man (or send him a message like I did with my Master)...

I only like certain types of men... And so far my Master fits everything: he is funny, kind, smart, nerdy, pays attention, foreign, Asian, and had a sexy voice. Him being taller than me and younger are just bonuses, though I wouldnt mind if he turned out to be shorter than me. I love the whole submitting to somebody that is younger than you...

Never Been So Happy To Be Back Home...

Today was horrible and Im just glad to be back home...

When I was walking to the bus stop this random guy walked up to me and was telling me how fine I was and that he would give me money just to spend some time with him. I repeatedly kept telling him no thank you, not interested and he keep saying he would give me more money and he would pay just for me to dance for him in a hotel. He went up to a thousand dollars and kept telling me stuff... The thing that pissed me off the most and made me almost kick him in the balls and grab my mace was him trying to touch me. I told him to not to touch but he grabbed my ass twice. He was lucky he ran because 5 more seconds he would have had a face full of mace. I was thinking about going back home after that happened because I didnt feel like having to deal with other guys because I was very very angry; but I had things I needed to do. I had to stop myself from crying because I hate when strangers walk up behind me, even more if the get too close to me.

I felt violated...

Im also very tired of guys thinking that offering me money will make me change my mind...

A long while ago I had some big hot shot government guy that wanted to date me...

Our first date was horrible and we had nothing in common but he kept trying to see me. He even offered to buy me a mansion in Ireland. He showed me the bill of sale for the place and all...


Why cant some men seem to understand the word no...

I have never been interested in money because it doesnt last for long. What I want is love and a long lasting connection. Which is why I prefer that my Master doesnt have much money so he understands that I dont want him for his money. I want him for him

Stressed Level Maximum...

I dont know why I have been feeling so stressed the past few days. Though I think its a combo of me getting order and still not married and no family of my own, too many things I need to do but no money, dont want to freeze to death like last year, and my Master's eye surgery and the fact that I miss him and am worrying about him...


I hate stress headaches sooo much...

I hardly ever get headaches except if Im stressed or have been crying a lot....

I just hope I have enough money to buy me some boots because atm I only have running shoes which arent good for snow...

I dont have any boots anymore because my wonderful father accidentally threw my boots out.... Thanks dad. I love you too

Why why, Mother dont betray me...

Without my allergy meds my nose runs almost all of the time and my mom just happened to be out of allergy meds too so she asked if she could have a few pills to last until I can get more...

I gave her my bottle so she could take a few pills out...

She gave me her empty bottle in return...

My mom took my pills and now my nose is running almost non stop and Im sneezing up a storm. I was planning on get more on Monday but I might have to do it today.


 ~~~~~~~~

Also Master is sooo handsome <3

Wish I could see him in person so I can see the rest of him. Touch him, taste him, whatever he wants me to do...

So in love with him and so submissive to him...

Im at the point that he can do anything to me withing worrying about anything because I trust him so much

Hope Master's eye surgery went ok. Im kinda worried about him because its the same eye as last time. I do think it was a little ironic because I have been having eye pain in my left eye for about a month. Went to see my eye but she didnt see anything wrong and told me it might be my sinuses acting up. Maybe me and my Master are really linked together somehow.

Fate <3

Sympathy Pains...

Master has another eye surgery and now my left eye has been hurting me a lot...

Might have to give in and take some pain meds....


Master as super sexy lips though...

 Nice and thick... just thinking about what he could use them for...

Books = Love

I love to read <3

Got these books this time...

Mostly about Korea and how to write better

The history of sex book... I'm not sure if I will like but if won't hurt if I read a little... I have tried reading erotic but all is does it makes me laugh because I can come up with much better things in my imagination...

Please leave...

My dad is sitting out in the living room with me and my mom watching tv. He never does this. He is usually in the little room on his computer. Why wont he just leave? He isnt even doing anything, just sitting there...

Im trying to leave to go to the library but he is in my way...

Ever since he told me that he could still kill me if he wanted I have felt very scared and nervous whenever Im in the same room with him. Im afraid of him just coming up behind me and bashing my skull in...

He has no idea how much I cant stand to be near him because Im scared of what he will do

Hello and Thank You...

I was only able to understand hello (annyeonghaseyo) and thank you? (gomabseunida)

Oh and fighting ....

They where talking soooo fast I couldnt understand anything else but it seems to be something postive

Another thing...

Both of my parents do that irritates me is that they dont put their trash in the trash.

My mom isnt as bad as my dad though. She only leaves empty cans and packages around, while my dad leaves egg shells and everything else all around. Usually after my dad gets something to eat he normally dont even put the food back.

All I want is to live in a semi-normal house hold... Sometimes it feels like Im the only adult here that uses their brain...

So frustrated and stressed out...

My dad always has to be in the center of attention and if he isnt he makes himself...

He either pretends to fall over things when he walks or else he constantly talks or is making some kind of noise nonstop...

Its really grating on my nerves...

I just want peace and quiet but I cant even have any because of my dad...

Trying to talk to my dad about anything is useless because he never thinks he does anything wrong and if you try to tell him otherwise he will blame others for his own actions...

I will be so happy when I can be with my Master and out of this place.

I do worry about my mom being alone with my dad because he only cares about himself. When my mom is sick he doesnt help her at all. When my dad is sick excepts everybody to drop everything and do everything for him.

Even when I try uploading my videos to put on my yaoi blog; he unplugs my internet cable from the router because he says that he has something important to do and Im messing him up... All he ever do is pretend to be a lesbian dominatrix on WoW. Even there he likes messing up other people's lives and making other people miserable.

Pictures are worth a thousand words...

Reminds me of when Master is skyping with me while he is at work. Whenever he stands up for whatever reason the camera just happens to center on his belt buckle and I get excited because of what he plans on doing to me with his belt and well because Im a total perv... Love Master's cock sooo much and I know its near....

I would be happy to always be at the eye level of Master's belt

Using logic when making tea...

The way I make my mom's tea is I add the tea first, then the sugar, and lastly the milk.

My logic is that it will taste the best this way. Sugar dissolves better in hot liquids than it does in cold liquids, also the hot tea will mix itself better with the milk if the milk is poured on top it. Hotter molecules travel faster than colder ones...

My mom told me to fix her tea the complete opposite. Add the milk first, then the sugar, and lastly the tea... Its her tea so if she wants it to not taste as good thats her fault

My tea and coffee I just have it black because I dont like adding stuff to it.

My dad....

Master called me on skype when I was in bed. I only had my cell phone with me so I figured I should answer him even though I had no idea how to mute it...

Just my luck, that one of the first things he heard was my dad telling me to bribe my mom to use her money to get us a pizza. My dad just also happened to say that he would give my mom oral sex if she got us pizza...

My dad is the reason why my parents have never meet any of my boyfriends...

He doesnt know how to talk around other people and always ends up saying something stupid and embarrassing

Ode to (aka thank you) Youtube

If it wasnt for a random very boring night a few years ago I would have never found out about yaoi

My first ever experience with yaoi a random youtube video...

Once I saw it I was like I dont know wtf this is but I like it

I have never heard of any animes at that point either


Also thank you for leading me to now my favorite song

I dont necessary like the meaning of the song, I just love the sound of the song

Also all of the boys are yummy + their hip action = nose bleed

Smart females know that size doesnt matter its how they move their hips

Totally gonna perv out right now cause I already am right now...

But everything I have read about Korean men is that they are great lovers.

I trust my Master is great is everything <3

I dont like knives... and butterflies

Because when I was 15 yrs old I was very very stupid and believed my boyfriend at the time that I wasnt pregnant even though my body kept telling me I was...

I was 5 months pregnant when I got the abortion and ever since then I have felt very guilty and depressed for having my baby killed...

Right after I had the abortion I thought that if it would pretty if I cut my wrists, laid on my bed flat on my back and spread my arms out so my blood would make butterfly wings as I died. I had to fight the urge to stick a knife in my belly... I was very stupid then...

I still dont really like knives because Im afraid that I might want to stick it in my belly like back then. If I can I will ask my mom to chop things up for me.

When my Master put to Exacto knife to his tongue it really freaked me out and brought back all of those bad memories.

Even though Im afraid of knives I trust my Master. If he is in to knife play I will let him do it as long as he is the one with the knife and not me...

Oh god I sound so stupid now...

Trusting my life with another person but not trusting myself with my own life

Going on Adventures with Master's stupid bitch...

Spent about 4 hrs walking around total. Went to the library to return some books and get more books, went to Lowes to get a protane trouch so my dad can hopefully get the pilot light for the water heater fixed, and went to the grogery store.

I dont mind walking a lot. I just dont like getting blisters.

Adventure #1.

Went to the library to return some books and get more books, which is about 3ish miles away from my house. Its doable because its mostly flat land, unlike my neighborhood which is named West Lanham Hills (because of the hills. This area used to be a river.). On my way back from the library, I left like I was going to throw up because I walked too much. I dont understand why, sometimes my stomach just hates me.

Adventure #2

Went to Lowes to get a propane torch so my dad can hopefully get the pilot light for the water heater fixed. Im horrible at fixing things. I remember when I was trying to put a some-assembly-required desk... I ended up crying because I stripping every screw before even getting it half way to together. I felt so out of place there especially with my pig tails, jeans, hot pink shoes and grey jeweled tee... I must have looked out of place because three people asked me if I needed help. Only of the three knew where the propane torch was.

Adventure #3

Went to the grocery. Nothing special happened there except that the left arm of my jacket kept falling off so I figured I will just let it stay that way and that I will hopefully start a new trend

Dirty Little Confession...

For the past two days.... Aka when I found out about this video, it has been all I have been watching...

I watch it at least 5 times a day....

I dont know exactly why I like it so much but I do love the black and red (my fav colors), the silly dancing, the butt smack, and the fact that all of them seem extremely happy. Not the forced happy that a lot of kpop groups do but genuine happiness.

RE: Age

Since Im not Asian Im not sure of how big a deal age is but from what I heard in Korea younger people must do what older people say... Which is why I love the fact that my Master is even younger than I though he was.

I dont know why I thought he was the same age as my brother but it doesnt matter. As long if he doesnt care about my age, I dont care about his. Like he told me, I love his for his brain... well and his voice. Just hearing his voice makes me wants to be with him even more than I already do. Cant find the right words for it but I love it sooooo much. Though I do prefer that he is very good with me, can tell how Im feeling and seems to know what to do to either make make feel better or punish me.

True Master isnt good at English but that doesnt mean isnt he is super smart. Hell if I had to speak in Korean with him I would only know say to hello and I wouldnt be able to read or write anything in hangeul.

(Master if you even want to know where Im learning about Korean culture and stuffs, its from these people)

Boyfriend's Bestfriend....

The members of Boyfriend changed their hair style again and I cant tell who is who except for two of them. I still havent figured out which ones are twins because to me three of them look exactly alike

All that really matters is that I can pick out my Master out of a room full of Asians *crosses her fingers and hopes she doesnt pick the wrong one*

Side Note: Funny thing is; my mom tells me the story of her not recongizing my dad after he came back from his Air Force duties over seas. She told my aunt that nooo he is to handsome to be her husband and my aunt was like nope thats hims :P

Everybody gets me and my mom confused. Fate will only tell how much we really are alike. For right now Im doing the same as she did. Lived with her parents till she was over 30, havent been married yet, and not kids. My mom had me when she was 32. I hope I have my first kid before then.... But thats not up to me. 

Dreams...

For the morning that I can remembers what I dreamt about that night its either me running away from something, me being stuck inside of a burning building with no way out, one of my various dreams about sex, and me being a goddess (the original one and only god that happens to still be alive) with great powers but just woke up from a deep sleep where Im very weak cant remember much. I must be taken care of and at one point have my head chopped off to prevent me from becoming a monster. Once my head is chopped off I regain all of my powers and memories and me and the guy that was taking care of me have sex...

Last night I had a very different dream...

I actually dreamed of being pregnant and working in a toy store so me and my Master (yes i have many dreams of my Master. All good ones too) could afford to have the baby. He would only let me work until I got to the point that I would have back pains from carrying the baby. He always happened to be near by and watching to make sure me and the baby was ok...

Loved that dream so much...

Another thing about the dream I remember is specially saying I didnt want to buy a toy for our baby because it had nonsense words on it... I have heard a lot that in dreams you are unable to read words... Maybe I was just testing myself to see if I could read words in my dreams

Lucky...

Im so lucky to still have my Master...

I have been missing him a lot and that is probably why I have been extra cranky...

So happy that he is letting me watch him while he is at work. Some people may thing that it stupid but he is letting me part of him life <3

Im so glad that he hasnt left me for good.

I have to do my best to be worthy of being his


~~~

Also the nautghty thing I thought of today while watching him at work today ~

Is that I hope he chews my lips, nipples, clit and anything else he wants to chew on as well as he chews his gum <3

What Drew Her to Her Master...

One of the major things that make me want to send the first message to my Master was that he didnt want his property have to think. He would make all the decisions.

All my brain has done for me was caused me trouble because I tend to be over analytical and over thing everything. My brain is like a sponge and absorbs everything around it. Then Im left with the task of processing all the info over the next few hours or days. Trying my best to understand the meanings of everything.

My Master has the wonderful ability of pulling me in and only thinking about him by just hearing his voice and seeing his face.

I honestly do trust him in my heart but its my mind that causes me to doubt him. I know he must hate whenever I doubt him...


Funny (and gross) thing is that the patterns my snot has been making when I blow my nose is a heart...

~~~~~

This morning I though that was my Master at work was kinda stupid but it honesty did make me feel better. Maybe I have been feeling so shitty is because I miss him a lot

At an Impass...

I really dont know what to do now...

It feels like my word is crumbling apart...

I have been non stop crying for the past view days. I try to tell my Master but he only seems to care about and has time for himself...

I have broken up with people all because they have only ever wanted to use me for sex but now Im not getting any...

Dirty Mop Status...

The punishment my Master gave me just made me feel worse...

Nothing like rubbing your clit while crying because it feels like things are wrong...


I have a very high sex drive and need it regularly or else I get very bitchy...

I dont know if Koreans are just not used to having sex regularly but I am. Going from having sex 2 or 3 times a week to hardly ever isnt normal for me.

Still not sure what I did wrong except for doubting my Master. The doubts had very good proof too. I even asked my best friend who is a guy and he even said that not using a girlfriend for a long time is a bad sign and probably means he is cheating.

I really dont know anymore. I just feel emotionally drained. I have been crying so much and have all these pent up emotions. I need a release soon or else its just gonna blow up in my Master face...

Im actually starting to feel like what I felt like before I broke up with my ex just minus any sex. If my ex wasnt having any sex with me than he didnt want anything to do with him

Master...?

First things first...

I need to cum soon or else Im going to go crazy. I know its up to my Master when and if I cum or not but still if a peasants needs arent taken care of they will revolt...


Another thing...

I tend to play dumb a lot just to make my life easier because one of my first memories in school was always finishing assignments first and other students always asking me for me...

One of my pet peeves is I hate when other people bother me. Im like like that fuck do you want. Leave me the fuck alone. I dont want your germs and to listen to your stupid babbling...

Well you see... I have a great memory and I remember that for one of the first writing assignments I did for my Master was about him gradating. He said that he graduated when he was 18. Which according to his birthday that would have been 2004. My Master and my brother where born in the same year.

Well helping him filling out his college stuff he said that he graduated high school in 2006. I might have miss heard it but Im pretty sure he said 2006. Not like it matters too much. Maybe it was a test to see if I was paying attention. Hell I do little tests to see how well my Master pays attention to me...

I remember one of the time he wanted to cum and I was holding in on purpose. He was like hurry up and cum. He really does read my body very well. Which I totally love.

Clouds, Kittens, & Command Prompts...

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happpy <3

Love when Master lets me hear his voice and see his face. Makes me just want him more and I continue trying to fighting to get job so I can be with him.


His cats are sooo cute too. I love cats <3

I have always been a cat person. My mom always tells me the story of when I was a new born and how her cat would sleep at the top of my head to keep me warm.

Yes dogs are nice but its takes a lot more effort and patience to get a cat to like you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Im still making some money, but some I mean less than $10 a month, for my youtube videos. It used to be a lot more but youtube seems to hate yaoi visual novels so I have starting putting them up on dailymotion.

One of my favorite streamers says its ok to upload his Saturday night streams to youtube because he doesnt do that himself.

My own thing is the downloaded videos are .flv and I need to switch them to .mp4. I have a program to switch it but I cant get it to work. Every time I try it it says that the file is invalid but it isnt.

I have no idea what Im doing wrong :(

Here is the instructions to switch the file formats https://obsproject.com/forum/resources/how-to-convert-flvs-to-mp4-fast-without-re-encoding.78/

Getting Cold Already...

This winter is really going to suck again. Hopefully Im able to get a job soon so I can live with my Master.

Last winter wasnt as bad because my house had at least working hot water but now the hot water heater stopped working. No heat and no hot water is gonna suck. Guess I will have to boil water and wash off fast before I freeze. Doubt I could even wash my hair because its supposed to be the super cold arctic temperatures again and I dont want to get sick.

Would be nice to have money to fix things when they are broken like people normally do

Master Wanted To Talk...

Still waiting on Master to have a talk with me. I hope its good news. I am kinda nervous though, because sometimes it seems like I just cause him more trouble

Results From The Doc's App..

The doc gave me some meds to help my sinuses. For the pmdd she recommended either have her prescribe me some antidepressants or else she could give me a referral to see a gyno to change my birth control pills. I opted for the gyno because I am not depressed and I have heard that sometimes taking antidepressants have bad side effects.

If I dont need to take meds I rather not take them. Thats one of the things I dont like about some doctors. For some doctors you go in with a cold and a stuffy nose and they write you 7 different prescriptions without really trying to cure you. Some doctors just listen to what you say and dont even look at you.

I like my doc though. She is a nice lady and is very thorough with her examinations.

Blood and Faults...

The past few days have been hard on me. I really hate that some times before my period everything irritates me. One thing I got out from this is that I dont ever want to leave my Master. He is in my blood and he is part of me. Every part of me is his.

Even though he isnt prefect there isnt such a thing as a prefect person. People have faults and you have to learn how to deal with them. Also from the different sites and blogs I have read about dating Korean men is that they are workaholics. Even though he may not be there for me all the time I know (at least I hope so) that he wishes that he was there

I swear...

My dad never listens to anything anybody tells him.

Me and my mom keep telling him that him smoking makes us both sick and to please stop but he hasnt. Why did he even randomly take up smoking anyway. He never used to smoke before.

I doubt he remembers the time after my Grandma died from lung cancer because she smoked all her life. We went to a restaurant but all they has was tables in the smoking section so we sat down there. I starting crying saying that I couldnt breathe and that I didnt want to die from the smoke. It got so bad we had to leave the restaurant.

My dad only cares about himself. He has always been like that. He doesnt care if he is making other people's lives miserable; all that matters is that he is happy.

I honestly dont see how my mom can stay married to him because I cant stand to be around him.

Made In Korea...

I swear the most stupid things make me happy.

I have been feeling pretty shitting and I just happened to see that the cup I was drinking from was made in Korea...

My Master is from Korea too... It made me smile and feel happy

Stay Calm...

Getting annoyed that Master is ignored me. He has been ignoring me for a while as a matter of fact. He didnt say anything when I sent him my project for him.

I have to do my best to not message him in skype and tell him that he is a shitty Master.

I know this anger is just my PMDD.

I just want to feel normal again

Philosophy Time With Dr. Stupid Bitch ...

Im feeling a little better so I figured I should do a more light hearted post...

Ever since I can remember I have always admired and idolized Asian culture. They are smart and have the best technically, yet they still believe in legends and superstitions, while caring about family and nature.

This is going to sound very strange but as per Asian languages I have learned it up to the point of being able to tell which writing is what language. The same for the sounds of the language. I am but a mere peasant and have no right in speaking the god's language (hope this makes since to my Master). If he wants me to actually learn how to speak Korean then I will.

Know I Shouldnt...

But I will...

This is my journal and Im free to write whatever I want so I will write this...

If I have to demand for sex from my Master then I will not be happy.

I have a very high sex drive. Even with my ex I had to jump on top on him at least twice a week because I needed sex.

My Master better handle my needs better or else I will not be happy.

If he doesnt give me what I need than I will take care of it myself.

I know some of this anger is from my PMDD but some of this is truth; which is why Im writing this post.

Today...

Today I just want to crawl into a deep dark cave, curl up into a ball, scream as loud as I can and cry my eyes out and never come out of the cave.

Words Associations...

I realized something...

Me getting depressed, worried, and even hornier than normal can only mean one thing...

My period will be starting soon...

I thought to myself:

Warning...

Warning...

Igeon overdose...

My PMDD will probably be acting up because Im not my usually happy and positive person. Yes these pills do help to a point but its not completely gone...


Music always calms me down and since this has warning, warning as the first words I figured this song would be the best and yes it is <3

(I would like to thank my Master for being Korean or else I would have never found out about kpop)

Past Experiences...

Here I am sitting at my computer at 4:23 am because Im too horny to sleep...

When me and my Master first met he would use me to cum at the minimum once a week but now its been a while since he used me to cum...

Usually that means one of two things: either the guy is no longer interested or else the guy has somebody else he is having sex with...

I would rather no think about either because I really love and trust him alot...

*Note for Master:  Your property never masturbates herself Sir because she doesnt enjoy it Sir. She loves being told how to do it and when to come Sir


~~~~


I am sick and tired of putting in tons of applications all over and never getting even a call back. This will be the 5th time I have in an application for Walmart and the 3rd time for McDonald's. Both of these places I would never normally work because Walmart is a horrible place to work and McDonald's makes gross food that makes me puke any time I eat it. But I will endure working there for the shake of getting money so I can move.

Its like ever since I turned 30 nobody wants to hire me anymore

Finally Something Good...

After all this bad luck with not getting a job and other things something good finally happened...

A few days ago the manager for the Radio Shack next door came over and was talking to my mom about him wanting to pay for a new fence for us.

See we are right next to their parking lot and our fence was in a very bad shape because we havent had the money to fix it.

Its so great to have a company that wants to help the neighborhood around them.

Thank you Mr. Radio Shack manager. Well Radio Shack in general

Scared To Walk Alone...

I was walking home on my way to the library and this guy kept following me. I knew it was the same guy because his car stood out. It was a red car with black racer stripes and a black number 3 painted on the door.

He kept driving past me and waiting at the drive way I was going to walk past.

The 3rd time I noticed him doing this I was mad and scared. He yelled out to me that he just liked watching me walk...

I would be happy if my Master wanted me to lock my in a cage and keep me there for the rest of my life. As long as he took care of me, I had room to move around, was able to talk to my family, and had a computer so I wouldnt get bored.

Two Things That Irritate Me..

One thing that irritates me is when people say things like its their 3 month anniversary... 

An anniversary is yearly (only happens once a year, or every 365/6 days) celebration...


The second thing is when people say liberry not library... 

There is an A between the two R's that are pronounced separately....



Even my Master can stay library correctly and English isnt even his first language <3...

Temple...

When I was waling to the grocery store to get some food and my mom's meds some guy riding a bike told me that, "damn you are beautiful" when he went past me.  At least he keeping going, even though he did slow down to say that.

My motto has always been that my body is a temple and only one select and extremely privileged person may worship and defile me...

I found him <3

Just hope he is ok. I miss talking to him on a normal basis :(

(Now I have gone and made myself cry again because I miss my Master) 

My Brain...

Just reading a new series of manga XxxHolic (Master here is the link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XxxHolic) and while reading it Im imaging my own little story...

Keep in mind because I have never been married or had kids my stories usually stop after having sex...

Well my story is about me moving to Japan for some reason and I just happen to walk into a spiritual shop that sells books, herbs, and the owner (who happens to be a 16 year old Japanese kid that tries to look like an old man) wants to do a face reading for me. Well within a few seconds of looking at my face he lets a small laugh and tells me things about myself that arent very surprising...

After a few days, I happen to bump into the shop owner every morning I go to the market for fresh fruit, veggies, and fish. Its seems just a  coincidence but as I find out later it wasnt...

One day the shop owner asked me to have dinner with him. I was a little hesitant but he promised it was just dinner and if I felt uncomfortable I could leave without question...

At dinner he told me that when he read my face, he know that he found his mate. He was only 16 years old but he promised that if I would allow it, he would take care of me and make sure Im happy for the rest of my life...

I agreed and he told me that one of the rules is that I must become his shop doll and sit on a pedestal and wear what he wises while the shop is open. I was up on my pedestal wearing almost nothing and he had a sign in front of my pedestal that if anybody tried to touch or talk to me would have something horrible happen to them...

Yadda yadda yadda. We have lots of sex. He ties me up to the tree in the yard at the back of his shop that was struck by lighting and killed his parents from causing a fire...

I cant fully write a book unless I experience more things

Nervous...

Just sent my Master the project I was working on for our anniversary and I hope he likes it.

Just wish that my scanner didnt make the pics so light.

Wonder if he will notice the small details I added to it <3

Pushing limits and Melting

Whelp ever since I found out the library has mangas I have been reading all of the ones I love. Finished Black Butler a few days ago and now Im on Hellsing. Which I just finished reading all 10 books in about a span of two days.

Also got XxxHolic, which I never heard of but happened to see in the library and the covers looked pretty. Plus its about ghosts and stuff. Though I may have gotten too many... ie all that the library had.

Also picked up the Marquis de Sade book I requested. Love his works and would have recommended them to my Master but Im not sure if he is up to that level of reading in English yet

(If Master ever happens to read this here is info about de Sade http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marquis_de_Sade)

I got a total of 25 books and my arms are still store from carrying them to the library back to my house.

-------------------------

Shameless pic time aka hope Master doesnt get jeoulous

~~~~~~


Omg as soon I this pic on my fb news feeds I was like that looks like my Master (just have shorter spiky hair and add glasses)

Just something about the way he is standing and his look makes me want to drop on my knees and kiss his feet

Frustrated...

Whelp I send my Master an email kinda showing him my project Im working on for our anniversary. In the email I asked him if he would like it as a poem or more like an essay. Well he didnt answer me back like he normally does so I figured I should ask him if read the email yet...

All he replied back was thanks for the email hun...

That made me pissed and made me even wonder if he even read the email...

Im so frustrated right now...

I crave and need his direction...



Also, yes I do like it when my Master calls me hun I like it better when he calls me his bitch

Dissociation...

I noticed that while I was running errands today I felt like I wasnt really there.

I have felt dissociation before but usually it only happens when Im very sick and are on lots of meds or if Im super tired.

I kinda feel like Im on the verge of sub drop but not exactly that.

I feel more like Im not in my own body than anything else.

I miss my Master and I hope he is ok

Feelings...

Master hasnt been happy so I have been feeling down too.

We truly are one. If one is sad so is the other.

Happiness can only be reached together.

Project...

Working on a project for Master. Hopes he enjoys it once its finished. Also hope his mom is ok. Im scared to ask him because I dont want him to hurt anymore than he already is. Also never had to deal with a sick parent and possibly losing the parent.

I really hope his mom is ok but Im scared that she isnt and it makes me cry a lot. I want to help him but I dont know how to

Worried for my Master

I have been praying and hoping that my Master's mom would get better but as the days pasts and her being in the hospital longer. I have had a bad feeling and been worrying about Master and his mom more and more.

I have never liked hospitals because most of the time people end up dying there.

My Master told me thank you today after I found out it was Chuseok over in  Korea so I sent him an email wishing him a  Happy Chuseok.

I have been worrying about Master and his mom a lot. To point that I have noticed that when I brush my hair, there is more hair than normal in my brush.

I just want to be with my Master forever and make his life happy and easier for him

It Hurts S Much...

Who would ever think that stumbling and hitting your breast on the edge of a dresser would hurt so freaking much...

Im dying in pain. It feels like I need an ice pack for my boobies it hurts so much...

Dont get it though cause all breasts really are is fat and mammary glands...

Luckily I didnt hit my Master's nipple piercing because Im so afraid of messing them up

Scared, Uneasy, and Nervous...

I dont like being alone in a room with my dad...

He makes me feel scared, uneasy, and nervous...

You know the whole thing about him telling me that he can still kill me if he wanted to...

Wish my mom was awake...

Or else I was with my Master <3

Low Vitamin D Again...

Whelp my doc called me about my physical and I have low vitamin D again...

White person with red hair problems...

Hope Master's mom is doing better. Still worried and praying for her to be well. It must be hard for him. I wish there was something I could do for him



Also if Top had shorter black spiky hair and glasses that would be my <3

Though my Master's voice is more deep and sexy. Just hearing his voice makes me float

 

Ju-on...

Just realized that my breathing sounds like the ghost of  Kayako from Ju-on...

Might watch that movie later once I dont feel dead tried.

Really hate taking any meds because they usually make me feel worse

Drowning in snot...

Hate getting sick...

The meds I have make me feel drunk too because of the alcohol in it...

All I feel like I want to do is sleep but my nose wont stop running and I cant breathe...

Hope Master's mom is doing better. Even though I never met his mom and know nothing of her; I have a feeling that she is  a very nice and good lady

Praying...

Praying for Master's mom to get better. Also that the doctors find out what the problem is and that it isnt anything serious.

It saddens me that he has to go thru this and I cannot be there for him in person.

Master...

She misses her Master so much...

Loves it when He messages her...

Hate it when days so by and there is no word from Him...

She hopes he is ok...

Snowballing...

Its been over a week since my mom called AT&T to fix our phone and its still out...

All of the minutes are used up on my cell phone so even if somebody was trying to call me for a job interview I wont know...

What is it bad things keep happening to me?

I just want to be with my Master but things keep stopping me...

I would really love it if he would rescue me but that only happens in fairy tails..

I will keep trying though because my Master doesnt want me to be weak. Im just at the point where Im fed up of not being with him...

The ongoing issues with my dad is just making me want to leave here even more...

Why cant anything good ever happen?

Crying...

My dad is getting on my nerves so much that Im crying...

I was going to the library to get some books for my mom and was gonna stop at the grocery store to get some milk because we are out of milk and only have $5 left. Well he was like get a small thing of milk and get him a $1 hamburger. I told him he doesnt need a hamburger and with hardly having any money we cant get what we dont need.

Well he took the bank card and said he was gonna get the milk. He went to McDonanlds and only got the smallest carton of milk from the grocery store which will hardly last two days.

Trying to talk to my dad is useless because he thinks he never does anything wrong.

I am so tried of having to deal with him Im not even sure what else to say...


I just hope my Master isnt like this

Its over...

My blood work that is :P

I have been known to pass out if I dont eat food for long periods so I was kinda working about fasting in order to have my blood work done for my physical.

Also my motion sickness seems to get worse if I travel on an empty stomach.

I was so glad neither of those happened. Though I do feel a little weak.

Im just glad its over.

I had to close my eyes because watching the nurse taking my blood was starting to make me feel sick.

Think I will take a nap now.

I want to email my Master about this because I love telling him everything but sometimes I feel like I am bothering him. He never complained about it though so I guess Im not bothering him

Happiness Overload...

Even though today is my mom's colonoscopy and my physical I feel very very happy almost to the point of giggling. I am also smiling  a lot today. Nothing as really changed I just feel extremely good.

Emailed my Master this morning to hopefully share some of my happiness while I was waiting for my doctor's appointment and he said he is also having a good morning. <3

Even though I have going to the doctor's and having a pamp smear it has not brought me down one bit.

I just dont know what this is I have never felt this happy before in my life. Maybe this means something good will happen

Rejected...

By dailymotion....

Gah people have told me to upload my yaoi videos on dailymotion because its better than youtube but its rejecting my videos also...

I took me over a week for part 2 to upload without any errors...

Gotta keep trying it again...


Hope my Master wont hate me for saying this because I have read that because of the Japanese takeover of South Korea; and Japan trying to remove everything Korean, that many Koreans hate the Japanese. I totally understand that...

But I wish that the rest of the world was as understanding as Japan is. They allow extremely graphic scenes and images in anime and manga because they know its fictional and that you shouldnt really do that. America however, is all like "oh my kid killed people because he learned about it in video games"...  Really? So by using that train of thought that means that if I play Surgeon Simulator then I can preform that open brain surgery on you with no problems...

Cant foget about nipple torture...

Found this and it made me think of Master

Though for his version nipple torture would have to be added <3

Becoming Ugh...

Blonde...

Why did it have to be blonde...

The same hair color as most other women...

I dont want to be like other people...

I love my reddish hair and being unique...

But if Master wants it he gets it....

I wont be happy about it and my hair will look horrible when it grows out but whatever...

I remember when I was in my dying hair every color phase and blonde was the worst looking color on me...

Hope it makes him happy

Excitement and Questions...

I have been over excited and happy over me and my Master upcoming anniversary. So much so I have been smiling all the time.

Though there is still a lot of questions that I would like to have answered. Like what is excepted of me when Im with my Master and if I will be his only slave. I do remember him saying that if I had a sister I would teach her how to serve him...

The only thing that want me to leave my Master is not being his only slave. He has seen my jealous streak. Even if Im alpha sub I would not be happy.

I am not comfortable with having any type of authority at all and I will not be happy if I am not the only one for my Master. I should have asked this question when he brought it up but I think the time has passed. Its just whenever he talks I start floating off into sub space and forget everything...

Our Anniversary...

Since I no longer have my fetlife account I dont have the exact day when I agreed to by my Master's slave but I think its around September 20th.

With him I have never been happier in my life. I finally feel like Im in my true place and like I belong.

Though I do long for the day when I can be in physical presence. So I can feel his ownership and his love.

Trust My Dad....

Im worried about being homeless and my mom told me to trust my dad that we wont become homeless...

Every time I have trusted my dad to do something he always let me down and never did it...

In fact he said himself why should he have to worry about the house when he is going to die soon...

First off, the doctor never told him he has so long to live. There is nothing wrong with him except he is lazy and hates doing work. I dont even think he cares if his family becomes homeless because he doesnt want to have to do anything about it. He will just let it happen because he is too lazy...

I hate lazy people...

I dont want to become homeless because Im scared I will lose my Master. He has been so wonderful to me

Gimme plox...

I miss having animals so much.

Kinda surprised my Master got him a cat though...

From what I have been learning about Korea and Korean; pets arent as common as over here though they slowly are becoming a thing...

Though my Master is different so I shouldnt compare him to your average Korean. He is the best person ever <3

Like the saying goes you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat animals...

Him getting this kitten just make me love him more <3

So glad him and Mochi (?) are getting along so well <3

Learing So Much

Thanks to the small group I am in on facebook I learned that my separation anxiety and feeling abandoned was really sub drop...

All I knew is that I missed my Master a lot and I felt alone like he left me. it was horrible. now that I understand it I can control it more


----------

Im learning Korean <3

I have two apps on my phone but I feel kinda silly talking to my phone. Also I seem to talk quiet so my phone doesnt pick up everything I say

Watching videos seem to help me more though...

Like with learning Japanese viva playing visual novels and watching Black Butler & Hellsing I more of an audio learning than visual learner

Also Korean is really a cute place <3

I would not mind living there

Never knew why...

I thought maybe it was my PMS that would make me super emotional and depressed and feeling like I was alone and abandoned by my Master but I found out that separation anxiety is part of and can cause sub drop...

This actually make more since than think it was my PMS...

I am not saying that sub drop is any less worse it just makes me realize I much I really need and miss my Master


*unrelated picture but I just happened to see it and I love it plus its my favorite color red*

Fav porn to watch...

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Coldness...

Im never meant to act cold towards my Master...

A few things I need to work on...

1. Forgetting what I wanted to say when my Master messages me - I dont know what it is but usually when he messages I get super happy and forget everything else but him.

2. Also adding to forgetting what to say I sometimes want to tell him everything. - I mean everything, like the time in 1st grade when I was getting picked on for wearing for glasses so I lost them on purpose so I wouldnt have to wear them for a while. To things like all the different Korean stuff I learned. And what foods tend to make my stomach hurt...

3. Feeling like I need to hold my tongue. - Goes along with telling him everything...

4. Unsure how to respond. - Despite popular believe I actually sometimes I trouble forming what to say because I have a zillion things going on in my head.

5. Taking a few days to form my thoughts. - I like to thinks things out before I respond. Like with this post...


Probably even some of the coldness has to do with the many years of working in customer service. People would tend to yell at me complaining about people that I worked with. I had to learn to act calm and not take it personal so I wouldnt get angry at the costumer.

After learning that I was really a slave and wanted to serve one man its like my emotions are in over drive. I used to never but now I cry almost one a day. Happy tears and sad tears, though more happy tears than sad because Im happy with my Master. Like right now I have been crying almost the whole time writing this.

Opening your heart and giving your soul to another person has left me feeling happy and free but also feeling more vulnerable. Putting your life in another person's hands takes a lot of trust and love. It hurts a lot that I am not fully his yet.

Also most of my life I have felt like I didnt belong and was an outsider. So finally the feeling of belonging is very new to me. Im still learning and adjusting to this feeling. Im different than other people because I have always been very shy and always asking others what they wanted me to do.  I have always felt that unless I knew everything then I should ask others what to do. (Probably this is the main reason I love my Master because he is so smart)

I have only just learned about being a slave not too long before I met my Master. I have known about BDSM almost all my life but I thought it was mostly just tying up somebody using them. I am so grateful for that BDSM & Anime panel I went to or else I would have never found out about fetlife. Without fetlife I would have never found my Master <3 This is the reason i still have the booklet, ID, and schedule from a year ago. He means that much to me <3