Be Cautious With On-line BDSM

Photo credit: Death to Stock

I have seen this issue in other online groups so I will also bring it up here. Hopefully I provide some helpful tips to prevent anybody from being hurt by online Doms/subs.

With the addition of the internet it makes it easier for predators and abusers to contact people in this lifestyle and use them (not in a good way). Doms and subs can hide behind their keyboard pretending to be an expert; while all they are, are fakes.

Please be wary when talking to anybody you don't know. Don't give out personal info. Also I would recommend to have your Facebook profile set to private or else create a cover account (fake name and picture with no other info filled in) that is used for any BDSM groups/actives.  If you happen to get any friend requests or messages from people in the groups your are in; be polite but decline if they ask for any of your info. Even if the person asking for your info happens to be an admin of the group(s) you are a member of. They have no right to know anything about you.

Receiving Hate While in the Lifestyle

The Clique (2008)

I have noticed that while in this lifestyle; there seems to be more hate from others also in this lifestyle than vanillas.

Everybody in this lifestyle knows the saying You're Kink Is Not My Kink (YKINMK) but very few seem to practice it. They understand how things work but they are extremely judgmental of others in this lifestyle that act or think differently.

Some people think that BDSM is black and white. You are either A, so you don't do B and therefore you must do C and E. Or else; you are B, so you don't do A and therefore you must do D and F. If you aren't that person's ideal, then you are wrong. If you don't think how they think and do what they do; then you are not welcome and labeled as an outcast.

A lot of things in BDSM have no clear definition or way to do things. People can do things differently while still keeping in mind any risks. Just because they are doing things differently doesn't make them wrong. They are doing what works best for them.

We get judged enough from vanillas; so we should understand the need to keep an open mind. As long as a person is happy and they aren't doing anything deeply detrimentally to their health and well being then there shouldn't be an issue.

Submissives On-Line

Me giving the internet the middle finger

Note: Before you read any further; this post is not about finding a submissive on-line. This post is about a submissive's behavior while on-line. The behavior varies greatly; depending on the dynamics of the submissive's relationship and their personal behavior in daily life.

Keeping up with my On-Line BDSM theme; I figured that I should talk about submissives behavior while on-line.

Outside of their BDSM relationship, which can include being on-line, most submissives don't act very submissive. A lot of on-line groups I know of are run by submissives. The most active members of these groups are also submissives. I also know of a lot of submissive bloggers. You may not even be able to tell that they are submissive unless they tell you.

There tons of complex answers as to why submissives may not act submissive on-line. That would require a long in-depth and boring analysis; that not many people would want to read. I figure that for the my style of writing and this blog; it would be best to give the short answer to this so-called phenomenon.

The reason for submissives not acting very submissive on-line is because they are only submissive towards their Dom. They still treat others with respect and are accountable for their own actions. They know that they aren't doormats for everybody to use; so they act more dominate than normal. They aren't afraid to speak up and ask questions. They give advice to others and share useful information. If they see another submissive in a troubling situation, they do their best to help.

Just because there is a submissive on-line that isn't acting very submissive; it doesn't mean that that submissive isn't any less submissive. The submissive can be the most submissive person in real life. You are just only seeing the on-line side of the submissive; not how they normally act. A lot of people act differently on-line than they do in real life; including people that are in the BDSM lifestyle.

My Experiences From Being In On-Line BDSM Groups

Photo credit: Death to Stock

Using the internet is one of the easiest ways to learn about BDSM. Personally, I don't think it the best way to learn because (like me) most people are just giving their option based on their own dynamic and experiences, and what is true for one person isn't true for everybody else.

Different people prefer different things and they might give a false outlook on how things are to be done. Some Doms hate bratty subs and think that bratty subs are horrible. While other Doms may absolutely adore bratty subs and they prefer them to any other type of sub. Some people have the mindset of your kink isn't my kink, so therefore it's wrong. There is a lot of that especially on-line; but more importantly I'm here today to talk specifically about BDSM groups on-line.

There are pro's and con's to on-line BDSM groups. Some groups may have wonderful information but the members of the group are rude to others. Some groups may have wonderful members but the group itself doesn't have any concrete information and the members just give their own thoughts. Then there are groups lead by a Dom that thinks that anybody that joins the group belongs to them. I highly suggest to stay away from this type of group because the Dom often demand things from the members, like nudes. If you do happen to join this type of group, leave and block the Dom that owns the group. This will eliminate any possible stalking and harassment. It's hard to tell some times what type of group you are about to join, and the only way to find out is to join the group yourself.

I prefer groups that contain friendly members that are willing to help; over groups that think that they know everything about this lifestyle, and if you don't act how they want you to act then your labeled as not a true lifestylier. I have been both types of these groups; more of the second type than the first type. I'm lucky not to have ever been in the third type of group I listed.

I seems to me that ever since 50 Shades of Grey (book and movie) came out, some people in this lifestyle feel the need to defend their certain way of life and bash anybody that doesn't do things how they where taught. I have gotten more hate from people in this lifestyle than from vanilla people just because I like to speak my mind. Some of the self proclaimed, hard-core lifestyliers have said that I don't act like a true submissive. Or true submissives wouldn't ever think that way, or let alone do that.
Here is my what I would like to say them (which I normally keep to myself because my momma taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say, then say anything at all); I have a brain and I like to ask questions. I hate the feeling of when a Dom laughs at me when I ask permission to ask a question or make a suggestion. I'm a very creative person with a very active imagination and I think that the Dom might enjoy my fantasies. However; when the Dom just laughs at me, without allowing me to speak, I feel worthless. I don't care if the Dom doesn't like what I say, I would just like to be heard. It's not me trying to top from the bottom. It's me trying to add to our relationship and make it more interesting.Yes I do love being treated like a possession, but I'm also a person with my own feeling and thoughts.

Here is my advice for anybody wishing to join on-line BDSM groups, or else already in one. Take other people's advice in hand; but you don't have to do as they say. If a group makes you feel pressured, stressed, or unhappy; there is no reason to stay in the group. All that matters is you and your partner's (if you have one or more) happiness and safety. Just because somebody may have 20+ years experience in this lifestyle it doesn't mean they know about your dynamic. Every person's dynamic is different and as long as it works don't let anybody change it.