Thank you - Plus updates

 

Photo credit: pixabay

Thank you everybody that reads my blog. I had no idea that people liked what I wrote. I never received any notifications of the comments that were made.

I know it has been years since I have written anything. But random chronic illnesses suck. I have Grave's Disease; aka hyperthyroidism. My anxiety shot through the roof thanks to that. Somedays even leaving my bed is hard. My medications do help; but the anxiety has stayed.

I have also learned that the reason for me being unhappy in D/s relationships; is that I'm not completely submissive. I recently learned about primal and it fits me much more than submissive ever did. It's nice learning about who you really are. I no longer have to try to fit inside boxes that weren't made for me.

I will try to write more but my brain is just to aaaaaaa most of the time.

Frustration

It has been over 4 days and I have not heard shit from my Master. This is not the first time this has happened either.

I left him 5 years ago because he constantly ignored me. Good BDSM only works with good communication and so far he is extremely lacking in that field.

What makes it even worse now is he has cancer and will not tell me anything about it unless I ask. Even if I ask,I'm lucky if he responds to 1% of the things I ask for me.

Why am I so nice and forgiving?

The only reason I'm unhappy is because I let people treat me like I'm shit. Reaching the point where I don't even care anymore isn't helping at all.

Loyalty, laziness, or just contentment?

My Master recently thanked me for being loyal and it just hasn't been sitting right with me.

My Master is currently too busy with getting his degree to pay me any attention and I'm very unhappy. I have expressed this and he just tells me to wait.

I hate waiting though. I'm an impatient little bitch that wants everything now.

I don't know if I'm actually loyal or not because I'm unhappy with him.

I have thought of leaving him but then I was like hell no there are far much worse things out there. Plus I really don't want to have to start over. Also I'm in love with my Master and I don't really want to leave him anyway. Its just a culture thing where Koreans are super obsessed about school.

My main worry is that will my Master pay me any attention when he is finished with his degree?

I fear the unknown. I know I need faith. I do have Faith. 100lbs of Faith.

My dog Faith

So here I am back to the question if I'm actually loyal or not.

BDSM has taught me that that I can say no and that my no matters

Photo credit: pixabay

Long story short but my father would beat me anytime I told him no. I was taught that I could not say no to any man. Well after 20 some odd years and more; I went through actual hell because I was scared to death of ever telling a man no.

It wasn't until I learned about BDSM that I can and should say no. That my no matters. That I won't get beaten for saying no.

So if you ever have a question about if you can say no or not; the answer is yes you can and should say no if you want to. Also if you ever have to question yourself about saying no; then you are probably not in a good mental place or a safe relationship.

What even is a title?

I probably shouldn't be writing this while I'm super tired but if I don't write it right now I will not be able to sleep.

I have the best Master ever.

You know the things that sound really cool in your head but in actual practice its a huge nope.

Well I enjoy forced bi (because pussy tastes awesome) but I'm just not a poly person. I have tried it twice and neither times worked out because of extra stress and I just didn't feel right at all. If I'm with more than one person; I become utterly confused. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Also I found out that in order for me not to be jealous or territorial; I have turn off my emotions (which is a horrible thing to do and it feels like hell). Nothing is worse than feeling nothing towards people you are supossed to love.

I recently told my Master that I'm into forced bi and that I have zero interest in women but I love eating pussy. Long story short; my Master was like you will be the lead slave and you train the other slave. After he said that I completely regretted what I said before. I got super cranky and was crying a ton (even surprised him by cursing a lot). I told him how it made me feel and he said that its fine all he needs to me (this is why communication is important kiddos).

I still generally feel horrible because of Grave's Disease; but my Master has made, and continues to make, my life feel less empty. I actually feel loved by more than just my dog.

I dun made myself cry again just from writing this.

Totes love;

The Macabre Brat

Exceptions

Normally I'm 100% against of going back with your ex, because they are your ex for a reason. However; in my case the only reason I broke up with him was because he was too busy with school to pay attention to me.


It was 6 years that I first messaged him and I had no idea how much of a wonderful Master he was that that time. I had to go through hell a few times to realize that he was caring, actually paid attention, knew my mood and how I felt without me saying a word, and if I'm not comfortable with anything he will drop it and never bring it up unless I did.

I'm very glad that I just happened to be bored and wondered how he was doing. Also thank you awesome memory or else I wouldn't have been able to even message him.

My point is if you ever want to get back with an ex list what was good and bad about the relationship. If the bad things aren't too horrible then it might actually be a good thing to get back with your ex.

Side note: Sadists are hard as hell to find and I'm soooo glad that he is a sadist. I have tried being without pain and it just isn't my thing. I need pain to be able to feel anything.

Time Constraints

Being feeling a little stagnate because my Master is busy with getting his degree.

Hopefully things will get more exciting in a few months once I'm living with him.

One thing that has kept me grounded is my Master picking out where and what I eat. The and second time I loved it. The third time, however, I wished that he was there to actually order for me.

Soon little padawan. Soon


Also J-Hope cause my Master said he looks like that when he sleeps.

For Fuck's Sake

Welll... Ummmm...

I'm usually the first to say to never go back to your ex but I just had to make a fucking otome game about teaching English in Seoul... You know because of my obsession with Japanese/Korean men...

Making this game forces me to think about my very first Master because he is the only Korean guy I have been with.

Out of boredom and weakness I admit that I messaged him (hurray for my memory). Just saying that I couldn't stop thinking about him.

Hell he is the reason I started this blog in the first place...

Also this picture sure as hell isn't helping either. Yes its giving me ideas of what to add for my game but otherwise its not good for my health.

Jungkook I love you but why you gotta be sooo damn fine?

Why am I still single?

Photo credit: pixabay

This was asked to me by a Dom I was talking to on fetlife. He told me that I was very sweet, smart, and fun to be around but he wanted to know why I was single... The answer to this question is the same reason why we stopped talking to each other.

I am monogamous in a world where most people are polygamous. I will not budge on being monogamous. I tried polygamous and it didn't work. I wasn't happy and it drained me too much. I prefer to focus all of my energies on one person. I also don't compete. If my Dom wants another girl he can have her, but I will be gone. Having only one partner is far less stressful and more manageable for me. 

I'm Back

A ton has happened since I actually posted anything. So I'm gonna ramble a ton.

I lived hell in for four months.

My ex-Master did a number on me. I was a dummy. I knew better but I had a feeling like I needed the experience even though I wouldn't be happy. Boy was I unhappy. He expected me to love him at first glance. I will never forget them picking me up at the airport. He specifically told me to dress nice because he didn't want a bag lady as his slave but him and his wife were dressed like homeless rednecks; which was unfair to me. That was my first plane ride and my first time way from my family; he wouldn't allow me to dress comfortably. 

Didn't listen to a damn word I said to him. I told him that I felt very uncomfortable being stared at but he said that he didn't care, he was going to stare at me all he wanted. With him I was more of a service sub than anything. He gave me a list of chores and that's the extent of his domination towards me, which I hated. He hardly ever gave me any feedback or explained anything to me even though I asked him to. Most mornings while making the bed, I was crying my eyes out because I thought that I wasn't good enough. 

I got along with his wife better because she actually cared about me and we worked together and talked a lot. All my ex ever did was to sit in his chair and watch tv. He only ever played with me the first three days I was there. Most of the time neither of them told me a damn thing.  I felt like a chicken with my head cut off, which is never a good thing. 

Towards the end I felt so uncomfortable. He made me hate going on the computer because he said that I was just like his ex. That I was using the internet to cheat on him, which was utter bullshit. I hated that he didn't even trust me. Plus I missed being able to be with my family so much that I wanted to leave. I was so fucking scared that he was going to hurt me when I was waiting for the day to leave because it made him super angry. 

He actually had the nerve to tell me not to even try coming back. I would never go back to that. However, I always say that nothing is for naught as long as you have learned something; and I sure as hell learned a ton. 

First; people online are different than in person. Second; don't be with somebody that wants to rush things. Third; true I love cleaning but I'm not a service sub. Fourth; I need time and space to myself. Finally; I cant stand to be picked on for just being me.

Now lets move out of the past and into the present.

Peace, love, and chicken grease.

Receiving Hate While in the Lifestyle

The Clique (2008)

I have noticed that while in this lifestyle; there seems to be more hate from others also in this lifestyle than vanillas.

Everybody in this lifestyle knows the saying You're Kink Is Not My Kink (YKINMK) but very few seem to practice it. They understand how things work but they are extremely judgmental of others in this lifestyle that act or think differently.

Some people think that BDSM is black and white. You are either A, so you don't do B and therefore you must do C and E. Or else; you are B, so you don't do A and therefore you must do D and F. If you aren't that person's ideal, then you are wrong. If you don't think how they think and do what they do; then you are not welcome and labeled as an outcast.

A lot of things in BDSM have no clear definition or way to do things. People can do things differently while still keeping in mind any risks. Just because they are doing things differently doesn't make them wrong. They are doing what works best for them.

We get judged enough from vanillas; so we should understand the need to keep an open mind. As long as a person is happy and they aren't doing anything deeply detrimentally to their health and well being then there shouldn't be an issue.

My Experiences From Being In On-Line BDSM Groups

Photo credit: Death to Stock

Using the internet is one of the easiest ways to learn about BDSM. Personally, I don't think it the best way to learn because (like me) most people are just giving their option based on their own dynamic and experiences, and what is true for one person isn't true for everybody else.

Different people prefer different things and they might give a false outlook on how things are to be done. Some Doms hate bratty subs and think that bratty subs are horrible. While other Doms may absolutely adore bratty subs and they prefer them to any other type of sub. Some people have the mindset of your kink isn't my kink, so therefore it's wrong. There is a lot of that especially on-line; but more importantly I'm here today to talk specifically about BDSM groups on-line.

There are pro's and con's to on-line BDSM groups. Some groups may have wonderful information but the members of the group are rude to others. Some groups may have wonderful members but the group itself doesn't have any concrete information and the members just give their own thoughts. Then there are groups lead by a Dom that thinks that anybody that joins the group belongs to them. I highly suggest to stay away from this type of group because the Dom often demand things from the members, like nudes. If you do happen to join this type of group, leave and block the Dom that owns the group. This will eliminate any possible stalking and harassment. It's hard to tell some times what type of group you are about to join, and the only way to find out is to join the group yourself.

I prefer groups that contain friendly members that are willing to help; over groups that think that they know everything about this lifestyle, and if you don't act how they want you to act then your labeled as not a true lifestylier. I have been both types of these groups; more of the second type than the first type. I'm lucky not to have ever been in the third type of group I listed.

I seems to me that ever since 50 Shades of Grey (book and movie) came out, some people in this lifestyle feel the need to defend their certain way of life and bash anybody that doesn't do things how they where taught. I have gotten more hate from people in this lifestyle than from vanilla people just because I like to speak my mind. Some of the self proclaimed, hard-core lifestyliers have said that I don't act like a true submissive. Or true submissives wouldn't ever think that way, or let alone do that.
Here is my what I would like to say them (which I normally keep to myself because my momma taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say, then say anything at all); I have a brain and I like to ask questions. I hate the feeling of when a Dom laughs at me when I ask permission to ask a question or make a suggestion. I'm a very creative person with a very active imagination and I think that the Dom might enjoy my fantasies. However; when the Dom just laughs at me, without allowing me to speak, I feel worthless. I don't care if the Dom doesn't like what I say, I would just like to be heard. It's not me trying to top from the bottom. It's me trying to add to our relationship and make it more interesting.Yes I do love being treated like a possession, but I'm also a person with my own feeling and thoughts.

Here is my advice for anybody wishing to join on-line BDSM groups, or else already in one. Take other people's advice in hand; but you don't have to do as they say. If a group makes you feel pressured, stressed, or unhappy; there is no reason to stay in the group. All that matters is you and your partner's (if you have one or more) happiness and safety. Just because somebody may have 20+ years experience in this lifestyle it doesn't mean they know about your dynamic. Every person's dynamic is different and as long as it works don't let anybody change it.

밀당

I did a search to see if the ingoring your girlfriend who you love and cherish was a Korean thing or if this guy is just messing with me.

I found out its something called push and pull http://cyjh.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Date-a-Korean ...

Thanks but I will pass on being treated coldly. If I was able to be with my ex then I would have been with him. You cant push me into the water when Im in the middle of a huge parking lot...

I have read that Korean guys can be cold and all but damn. I think I will pass on the whole omg Im so happy to be dating a Korean guy, they are the best...

All I have to say is that Im glad it happened now instead of when I was with him and had no way to get back home

Must have been with an onion...

100% Me...

Start of a New Chapter...

Photo credit: pixabay

I have decided that even though I'm currently unowned and I'm a free slave that I will continue to write in this journal because there is a lot of insight into myself written here.

A person's life doesn't start over just because a person they cared about left. They continue on and add that to their life experience.

I also like to write; even if its just for myself.

I don't necessary hate my ex because without him I would have never wanted to learn about Korea.

I hope one day I can afford to take the TOESL test and teach English in Korea or Japan

Current mood...

Never thought a kpop song would ever deciribe how I feel but this is 100% me right now

Idk...

I do love my Master but I hate the way he constantly ignores me. Master was wonderful at first because he would message me almost everyday but now he only seems to message me when he wants me to do his English work.

I have made a promise that I wouldnt leave my Master but Im starting to regret making that promise...

All it is doing is making me back into an emotionless cold heated bitch...

I remember my Master saying he was thankful to me but it doesnt show. It almost felt like it was saying thank you to a customer for buying something...

I just feel so alone and unloved...

I dont know what I want to do yet but I know what must be done...

People dont change unless they want to

Understand...

I understand it now when I ask my mom how can could stand to be married to my dad for over 30 years. She thinks of other things because my dad hardly ever pays her any attention. She also reads romance books because she never gets any romance.

I dont need to read things because of my awesome imagation.

I really do feel like I have been married for a long time and Im just taken for granted that I will  always be here.

Yes Master is busy but I need him too. Im like a flower without the sun. I will wilt and die...

Also I remember my Master either saying that he didnt want his property to think or else he wrote that in his ad that  I saw on fetlife...

If he doesnt want me to think he better make sure I dont get bored...

If Im not doing anything I day dream a lot...

Here is a list of some of the things I have thought of...

*While Im doing arrends my Master randomly takles me and has sex with me right where we are
*Sex in the woods
*Sex in the librabry (basically any and every place)
*Master lets me have my own slave boy and we turn him into a cuckhold
*Me and Master move over to South Korea and he gets a few idols to fuck me
*Master working at home and he has me chained under his desk and its my job to keep sucking his dick
*Master making pornos with me
*Master beating my ass till its purple then him checking me to make sure Im ok, then we fuck and he continues to spank me. After he is done he takes care of me and fixes me tea and soup
*And soooo many more things. Too many to list.

I will do anything for my Master as long as it isnt illegal, immoral, and Im the only woman his is with. Im fine if Master wants me to be with other men (as long as Master is there with me and has picked the men himself) but I would feel hurt and betrayed if Master wants to have another female.

Also...

Sick and tried of seeing twerking videos all over the net, esp facebook.

Class beats trash everyday.

I know Im not super classy but I try to act like I am...

~~~

The more exclusive and elusive a person is the more valuable they are. They are a super rare one of a kind commodity.

I strive to be different, rare, and unique.

My circle of friends is super small. (Just Horace)

Master is my friend too but he is so much more than that to me. He is my everything.