My thoughts on brats and brat tramers

I have seen a few people that practice BDSM say that brats are bad and aren't a type of a submissive because they don't want to follow orders. Some people even say that brats need to be tamed.

My thoughts about those ideas are phhhhhbbbbb.

Brats are just playful submissives that like to make BDSM more fun because they like to find loop holes and push back. I personally find just saying yes to everything right away, without joking about it, to be very boring. I like to play around and make jokes with my Master. Keep in mind I am not acting like a brat to take control. I just like to make jokes and play around. I'm being 100% playful; not rude, hurtful, malicious, or manipulative.

If somebody calls themselves a brat but they never listen to any rules or orders, are rude all of the time, lack any type of respect, and manipulate things so they always get their way; are not brats. They are just horrible people.

As for brat tamers; most brats don't want to tamed. Trying to tame a brat is equal to taking their fun away and killing off a part of them. Just ask if a brat wants to be tamed because while some don't, there are some that do.

As with anything in this lifestyle; it all boils down to communication and compatibility. Just because somebody is a playful submissive that doesn't do whatever they are told without question; it does not make them a bad or not a submissive.

BDSM has taught me that that I can say no and that my no matters

Photo credit: pixabay

Long story short but my father would beat me anytime I told him no. I was taught that I could not say no to any man. Well after 20 some odd years and more; I went through actual hell because I was scared to death of ever telling a man no.

It wasn't until I learned about BDSM that I can and should say no. That my no matters. That I won't get beaten for saying no.

So if you ever have a question about if you can say no or not; the answer is yes you can and should say no if you want to. Also if you ever have to question yourself about saying no; then you are probably not in a good mental place or a safe relationship.

There is Never a Good Reason for Not Communicating

Photo credit: Death to Stock

This post will be rather short because it doesn't need too much explanation. Anybody that doesn't seem to understand the concept that not communicating is never good needs to get checked out by a physiologist because they either have an ego complex or an id complex (superior/inferior). We are still people, even in this lifestyle. Nobody is superior or inferior. We still require open and honest communication.

Without communication how can there be trust? Its impossible. Constant doubt and fear takes over with prolonged lack of communication. What if the person(s) is sick, hurt, or worse? There is no way to know with proper communication.

Lack of communication also leads to feelings of abandonment. The simple truth is prolonged lack of communication is equal to abandonment.

With current technology, there is no reason to not hear from somebody unless they are not communicating on purpose.

One of the cores of this lifestyle is communication. Without communication you have nothing.

BDSM 101: Signs of an Abusive Dom

Photo credit: Death to Stock

This topic will be very hard for me to write because its a very tender subject for me. I have been abused by my father and a few partners. I'm just so lucky to have been able to get away before anything horrible happened to me. I hope that this helps others from feeling trapped, helpless, and lost. There is help out there. I will post links at the bottom.

Many abusers, both men and women, use the guise of Dom/me when in fact they are really just abusive people. Abuse never goes away or gets better; its only gets worse. Here are some signs to let you know that you need to drop everything and leave no matter what.

1. Doms that don't allow you to say no. Yes, you are submissive but you are not a doormat. You still have the right to say no to something that you don't want to do.
2. Using fear as means of control. Nobody should be in fear of their Dom. Fear shows a lack of trust; and without trust there is no BDSM relationship.
3. Wanting you to cut all ties with your family and friends.  This is a way of them isolating you, so you cant leave them. Also, others wont know what is happening and their is a less chance of them getting caught.
4. Turning things around so everything is your fault. This takes away your self esteem and makes you feel more dependent on them. It also makes you feel like you are the reason for their abusive behavior.
5. Forcing you to do things that you don't want to do. Consent, consent, consent. If there isn't any consent then it isn't BDSM its abuse. It doesn't matter what the Dom says; if you cant consent then you need to leave and never look back.
6.  Not allowing you to ask questions. If you aren't allowed to ask questions then how can you properly serve? You cant. This also goes in hand with using fear as a way to control you. You start to fear doing everything because you aren't sure how the Dom wants things done. Then the Dom uses that excuse of not doing things his way and he processes to beat the shit out of you.
7.  Not allowing safe words or else ignoring them. Safe words are used to let Doms know when you are unable to take anymore type of play, no matter the reason. 
8. Ignoring your limits. Everybody has limits for a reason; wither its medical, legal, ethical, etc. Limits are to never be crossed without a prior discussion. Completely ignoring limits shows that the person is un-trust worthy and doesn't have any empathy for how you feel. Also this can lead to dangerous situations that might injure you.
9. Belittling you. They make you think and feel that you are nothing and without them you wont be able to survive on your own.

I can add more but at this point I'm crying and shaking too much because of bad memories. Bottom line is something ever feels off or wrong to you, trust your gut and leave before its too late.

Here are the links to get help and also more information on abuse:

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline

Support, resources and advice for your safety

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Available: 24/7, 365 days a year. Bilingual advocates on hand.

• Resources: https://www.thehotline.org/

BDSM 101: Red Flags

Having red flags in BDSM is talked about a lot. What does the saying red flag mean in BDSM? It means a list of things that would either cause you to worry, or stop all contact with another person, because they either talk about, or do things, that are against what you are willing to do, or things that you cant stand. It helps you figure out if a person is somebody that you would want to be with in a BDSM relationship.

Everybody has different red flags. To help you to create your own list of red flags here is a basic list.

1.  The person(s) doesn't agree, nor get along with their local BDSM community. The reason for this red flag can be many different things. The person(s) could be: practicing things that are against the basic BDSM rules (I will explain this in a later post), unsafe, doesn't care about consent,  manipulative,  has very unreal exceptions about this lifestyle, thinks that BDSM equals domestic abuse, etc. I had an ex-Master that was like this and if I knew about this red flag I would have saved a lot of time and agony.
2. Demanding things before getting to know you.  BDSM relationships are equal to vanilla relationships. Would you allow somebody that you didn't  know to use your body as they see fit? I hope not, or else you may have some issues that you need to see a therapist about. First off, its not safe. Plus, how can you devote yourself to another person that you know nothing about? You have no idea if both of you will get along. You have no idea what their kinks are, and they have no idea what your kinks are. A hard core masochist will not be happy with somebody that doesn't want to cause pain; nor does the other person understand your need for pain. Demanding things at first glance is something that happens a lot by people that don't understand the deep bonds that a BDSM relationship creates. Most of the time when somebody demands something right away, they just want easy sex.
3. A person saying that they have no limits. Everybody has limits, especially with a new partner. Those limits may disappear once deep trust has been formed. Saying that you have no limits, usually is a sign of a person that is new to BDSM. Would you allow somebody to turn you into a baby making factory so they can preform coat hanger abortions on you; just because they have a pregnancy fetish, but don't want to have any children? I highly doubt it. Think about anything and everything that you don't want to do, or have done to you. Do you have any health issues that limit you from doing certain things? Write everything down so you don't forget. Update it when your limits change.
4. Not allowing open communication. This falls under part of domestic abuse. Not allowing open communication can be dangerous, because if you aren't allowed to ask questions to learn about something that you have never done, or even heard of before; can cause you to be injured because you had no idea what you were doing. Also, not allowing open communication hinders trust. Its usually a sign that the other person has something to hide; an other family, married, lying about themselves, etc.
5. Not allowing the use of any safe words. Safe words are to keep a submissive safe. It tells the Dom to stop for some reason. The reason could be health related or maybe the submissive is unable to handle anymore. Without a safe word; the Dominate has no idea what the submissive is thinking and how they are doing. Dominates aren't mind readers; submissives have to be able to let the Dom know when to stop.
6. Inconsistency. When a Dominate/submissive keeps changing their story it usually means that either they are fishing for info/pictures, may be cheating on their spouse, or just to have some fun without caring about others. This is why I always ask any potential Dominates similar questions every few days (I don't have to worry about that any more because I have hopefully found mine). Some people make up stories to help create a fake persona as a lure to attract others for their own reasons. 
7. A Dominate not allowing the submissive to say no. This isn't BDSM. There always must be consent. Many people say that in BDSM no means yes but that saying is extremely false. No means no, no matter the situation. Taking away the option for the submissive to say no removes consent and can create an abusive relationship.
8.  Always getting angry when they don't get their way. This lifestyle is all about compromise and keeping a balance between the Dominate and submissive. One person always wanting their way can be a sign of them being abusive.

Receiving Hate While in the Lifestyle

The Clique (2008)

I have noticed that while in this lifestyle; there seems to be more hate from others also in this lifestyle than vanillas.

Everybody in this lifestyle knows the saying You're Kink Is Not My Kink (YKINMK) but very few seem to practice it. They understand how things work but they are extremely judgmental of others in this lifestyle that act or think differently.

Some people think that BDSM is black and white. You are either A, so you don't do B and therefore you must do C and E. Or else; you are B, so you don't do A and therefore you must do D and F. If you aren't that person's ideal, then you are wrong. If you don't think how they think and do what they do; then you are not welcome and labeled as an outcast.

A lot of things in BDSM have no clear definition or way to do things. People can do things differently while still keeping in mind any risks. Just because they are doing things differently doesn't make them wrong. They are doing what works best for them.

We get judged enough from vanillas; so we should understand the need to keep an open mind. As long as a person is happy and they aren't doing anything deeply detrimentally to their health and well being then there shouldn't be an issue.

A Wake Up Call For Submissives

Safe In His Arms

Nothing pisses me off more than when I seem some poor helpless submissive crying and hurt because their Dom is too busy, or whatever, to take care of their sub.

A Dom's most treasured possession should their sub. Without their sub, the Dom is just an ordinary person. If a Dom doesn't step up to the plate and take care of their submissive; its a huge red flag. That is not a good Dom to be with.

True some Dom's may have a reason for not being able to do anything, like work, but they should at least send a quick text, or something, letting their sub know that they are busy and will take care of them as soon as possible. A Dom telling their sub that is 100% better than just ignoring the situation.

Ignoring the situation can cause the sub to have many different feelings. There can be feelings of loneliness, abandonment, depression, worthlessness, and maybe even cause sub drop. I will explain sub drop in a future post; but its one of the worst feelings a sub can ever get.

Please subs. If your Dom doesn't care if you are sick, hurting, and need to feel safe in your Dom's arms. Then you need tell them how horrible it makes you feel. If the Dom still doesn't care enough to do anything. Then walk away, as far and as fast as possible. It will be better to start over instead of staying with a Dom that makes you feel worthless when you need them the most.

The Dom is equal to the sun in the mind of a sub. Their reason for life. Without their sun, they will wither and die.