BDSM 101: Red Flags

Having red flags in BDSM is talked about a lot. What does the saying red flag mean in BDSM? It means a list of things that would either cause you to worry, or stop all contact with another person, because they either talk about, or do things, that are against what you are willing to do, or things that you cant stand. It helps you figure out if a person is somebody that you would want to be with in a BDSM relationship.

Everybody has different red flags. To help you to create your own list of red flags here is a basic list.

1.  The person(s) doesn't agree, nor get along with their local BDSM community. The reason for this red flag can be many different things. The person(s) could be: practicing things that are against the basic BDSM rules (I will explain this in a later post), unsafe, doesn't care about consent,  manipulative,  has very unreal exceptions about this lifestyle, thinks that BDSM equals domestic abuse, etc. I had an ex-Master that was like this and if I knew about this red flag I would have saved a lot of time and agony.
2. Demanding things before getting to know you.  BDSM relationships are equal to vanilla relationships. Would you allow somebody that you didn't  know to use your body as they see fit? I hope not, or else you may have some issues that you need to see a therapist about. First off, its not safe. Plus, how can you devote yourself to another person that you know nothing about? You have no idea if both of you will get along. You have no idea what their kinks are, and they have no idea what your kinks are. A hard core masochist will not be happy with somebody that doesn't want to cause pain; nor does the other person understand your need for pain. Demanding things at first glance is something that happens a lot by people that don't understand the deep bonds that a BDSM relationship creates. Most of the time when somebody demands something right away, they just want easy sex.
3. A person saying that they have no limits. Everybody has limits, especially with a new partner. Those limits may disappear once deep trust has been formed. Saying that you have no limits, usually is a sign of a person that is new to BDSM. Would you allow somebody to turn you into a baby making factory so they can preform coat hanger abortions on you; just because they have a pregnancy fetish, but don't want to have any children? I highly doubt it. Think about anything and everything that you don't want to do, or have done to you. Do you have any health issues that limit you from doing certain things? Write everything down so you don't forget. Update it when your limits change.
4. Not allowing open communication. This falls under part of domestic abuse. Not allowing open communication can be dangerous, because if you aren't allowed to ask questions to learn about something that you have never done, or even heard of before; can cause you to be injured because you had no idea what you were doing. Also, not allowing open communication hinders trust. Its usually a sign that the other person has something to hide; an other family, married, lying about themselves, etc.
5. Not allowing the use of any safe words. Safe words are to keep a submissive safe. It tells the Dom to stop for some reason. The reason could be health related or maybe the submissive is unable to handle anymore. Without a safe word; the Dominate has no idea what the submissive is thinking and how they are doing. Dominates aren't mind readers; submissives have to be able to let the Dom know when to stop.
6. Inconsistency. When a Dominate/submissive keeps changing their story it usually means that either they are fishing for info/pictures, may be cheating on their spouse, or just to have some fun without caring about others. This is why I always ask any potential Dominates similar questions every few days (I don't have to worry about that any more because I have hopefully found mine). Some people make up stories to help create a fake persona as a lure to attract others for their own reasons. 
7. A Dominate not allowing the submissive to say no. This isn't BDSM. There always must be consent. Many people say that in BDSM no means yes but that saying is extremely false. No means no, no matter the situation. Taking away the option for the submissive to say no removes consent and can create an abusive relationship.
8.  Always getting angry when they don't get their way. This lifestyle is all about compromise and keeping a balance between the Dominate and submissive. One person always wanting their way can be a sign of them being abusive.