Proud Momma...

Even though I havent had any children yet, I seem to be a natural with kids.

The last family reunion we went to my brother bought his youngest kid from his second marriage. At the end of the reunion when my brother was saying good bye; my nephew was reaching out for me, I though he wanted a huge but he wanted a kiss. I was the only person he kissed too... My mom was so jealous... and all I did was feed my nephew watermelon...

I feel the same with this kitten. Its so small, a little bigger than my hand, but it loves me a lot. Im so happy that it slept with me. It even kissed me on the lips a few times, it did hurt, but I dont care; its love.

I cant wait till me and Master are able to start our own family

So True...

As long as Master doesnt give up on me; I wont give up on him <3

Me Just Being Weird...

Strange thing about me is besides NCIS I dont ever watch American tv shows.

American music I dont listen to either except for Marilyn Manson. Cant stand talentless people that are only a hit because their songs are like a virus that spreads around. I want songs that mean something, heavy on imagery and sound awesome without needing to to heavily tuned.

The song that I use as my theme song is this...

Also love this song by him too...

This is why I love vampires; because love is eternal, ever lasting, never dieing...

All in all America is bad, but there are worst places. America is full of brainless drones that let others think for themselves. Lies are turned in truth as long as you are willing to pay the right price


Oh... I cant forget to add this song to my favorites too <3

Things Im Thankful For...

1. My past: Even though my past wasnt good or happy, Im still thankful for it because without it I would not be the same person.

2. My mom: Without her I doubt I would be alive.

3. My stubbornness and fierce loyalty: Without these I couldnt be in an LDR.

4. My Master: Despite everything he is the best thing to ever to happen to me. I couldnt even see myself being with anybody else but him.

5. And this is well yeah.... Im thankful for seeing this (though I much rather worship my Master's body. I will just imagine this is what my Master looks like)

First Snow...

Today is the first snow of the season. I had to go out and buy some things for tomorrow so I couldnt stay inside. Since I dont have anything but slippers, dress shoes, and running shoes; I had to borrow my dad's size 13 huge yellow rubber boots. They are hard for me to walk in because they are so big but they kept my feet dry and warm...

I did get a lot of looks from people in the grocery store because the boots made me walk funny. The way I have to walk in those boots kinda reminded of using the Stair Master machine when I used to go to the gym. I hated the Stair Master so much; loved the elliptical soooo much though.

I did make sure I was warm enough. In Fact when I was walking back home, my glasses where fogging up and I was burning hot.

~

I havent heard anything from Master yet. I wish I didnt miss his calls a few days ago :(

~~~~~

This is also the picture of the light bulb when I was trying to change it earlier today. Never had a light bulb that the glass part separated from the metal part before

Really...

The light bulb in the lamp in the living blew and I tried changing it but I cant get the bulb to turn at all. I told my dad about it and he was like well keep trying, he didnt even offer to help. I have told my parents that this rain is making my body feel like I was ran over by a train. Moving makes me be in even more pain.

I dont even know why I even tried asking him for help

Just Realized...

Both my dad and my brother both pass out when they see blood, needles, and generally doesnt like doctors and hospitals. My brother threw up when the doctor sawed off his cast when he broke his arm. He also passed out when our mom got out of surgery a few years ago. My dad never helped any of us kids when we got hurt bad. I remember our mom was the one to always clean and dress any wounds we got.

Maybe this whole I hate seeing blood and needles is either a learned behavior or else its something in the genes.

Im ok..

Yes call me even more stupid than normal but I totally texted my best friend before I felt my house just to make sure I wouldnt get beat down and mugged because Im white...

I heard of the riots and stuff because of the Ferguson thing... I just wanted to make sure

~~~~

Saw this on the stall door of the bathroom in the library near me. The bathroom floor was a little flooded and it automatically made me think of Moaning Myrtle...

I was hoping to find to ghost there and I would ask it if it needed help...

Its kinda hard to see the writing but it says: No one is eva saf here (no one is ever safe here) - yes the lack of spelling did get to me but Im just glad that the correct here was used...

Kinda funny too because when I usually take pics I use my cell but today I thought Im gonna take my camera...

If I didnt bring my camera I highly doubt that even the scratches would be visible in the pic

Missed Call...

I was busy and missed two calls from my Master. Hope he calls again soon. Also hope he understands that I wont leave him unless he tells me that he doesnt want me any more.

I understand he is too busy for me and I cant rely on him so I must be happy with relying on myself.

~~~

This is why I love the Sakuma true route in Hadaka Shitsuji.... Just change the word butler with slave and thats me <3

Barriers...

Submission takes a lot out of a person. Whether its the Master that breaks down the slave's emotional barriers, or if the sub does it herself; if there isnt balance in the slave's life it will cause her emotions to go on a roller-coaster. Its the Master's job to make sure that everything is balanced, or it can really mess up her mind and mess with her moods.

If I have to keep myself stable than I will, but as a word of caution its creating an emotional barrier. I rather not be in control but if I must than I must. I will not stand for feeling horrible. No more tears.

Still not sure what I want to do but Im willing to ride this out until the train crashes. Going out in a big fire ball of death sounds pretty awesome, even if it kills me.

Dropping Hard...

I feel horrible...

Havent talked to my Master in a few weeks. I tell him things but he doesnt reply...

When he allowed me to see him a few days ago it didnt help at all...

It made me feel like I was looking at something I could never have...

I keep telling him I hate feeling alone but this keeps happening...

I hate this feeling I have but its feels like we are over...

Im too emotional to talk to him now...

Contemplating...

I feel like me and my Master are at a point where nothing else is gonna happen until we are able to be together...

I came up with the idea last night that if we arent together in a set period of time then Im to be released. Though I dont really want it. I promised him I would be patient and Im super depressed that I still havent found a job no matter how many applications I put in. I just want to be with my Master.

Yes I do think of wonderful things that sound great but I never do them because I much prefer being told what to do...

Thats one of the reasons I failed at selling Mary Kay...

Being my own boss and owning my own business just doesnt work for me...

I love to be completely and utterly controlled...

Really wish my Master would take more control over me. I have given him many opportunities but he never took advantage. I just hope he is different in person. If he lets me free to do whatever I will not be happy...

Gotta remember my Master told me to be patient and he is the one that wanted to get back with me so he does want me. I also highly doubt I could find anybody else that understands my body as well as he does. Never had a man ever be able to tell when Im cumming just by the sound...

Also his voice... <3

Yes I have a voice fetish. If he didnt sound like what he does I would not be as willing to give complete control of myself to him...

~~~

The closest sounding guy (besides Top) is V from BTS...

This so reminds me of my Master when he talks <3

Breathe...

Besides the whole period thing I hate these emotional roller coasters...


Promise myself I wont chew out my Master for not paying attention to me even though I have repeatedly and specifically told him that I hate feeling alone and ignored...

If I ever happen to find out that he really isnt busy with work and family... He better be glad we arent living together...

I used to be a very angry person when I was younger but I have found that its easier to just let fate take care of things... Plus fate does a much better job at causing others agony than I ever can. My ex happened to tell me that after we broke up his first child was still born and the ass hole of his brother that tried to break my door down and rape me died from cancer.

Though if people ever mess with my feelings they better wish they were dead...

I remember when I used to terrorize my brother and he would be so scared of me. I like to think that I helped shaped him into the fearless badass that he is today

Aigoo...

I have been reading my book about Korea and Im on the history part. What I found the most interesting is that no matter how many invasions, Japan trying to remove anything Korean, and times of poor economy; they kept moving forward and never gave up...

History was my least favorite thing to learn about because it is just a reminder of how stupid and greedy people can get. If you go after something out of your means you will lose. Be happy with what you have and know that the grass is only greener on the other side because it has been painted to look that way...


~~~~

This show is torture to watch because of all the yummy foods that Im unable to eat...

I want some eel sooo bad. It looks so good

http://www.viki.com/videos/1028415v-lets-eat-episode-7?origin=autoplay

Worried...

At my Master...

He is having eye pain, headaches, and sensitivity to light...


I have been known to worry a lot...

Even my ex wouldnt tell me if he was sick because he knew that I would be worried to death...

I just hope that whatever is causing him pain isnt serious like a brain tumor...

I would be lost without him...

Even that month without him I was miserable...

Whats Your Fantasy...

I have no idea why but one of the things I have always fantasized about is to have a bunch of Asian guys gang bang me... Its a mix of them being polite and quiet but yet they want to do something the exact opposite...

I have never really wanted this though because gang bangs and rape doesnt really interest me...

However...

One of the first things my Master mentioned to me was he wanted his friends to gang bang me at his graduation. At first I thought; sure  whatevers as long as your there and in control of the situation its fine; but now after drooling over the hot kpop boy bands I defiantly want my own harem of cute Asian men. As long as my Master is the only dominate man there and the other guys are submissive to me and my Master...

My mind does wondrous (and torturous) things and I have already came up with my own little fantasy about it...

Me and Asian 7 guys... All of the men are bi and have been looking for one woman to join their group to fuck, worship, train, and take care off... The group is called the 7 Dragons and each guy likes to do different things. Im basically their fuck toy and am to be used by more than one of them and one goal is to be able to take two of the men in my vagina at once...

I highly doubt I would like it in real life because Im super loyal and when Im with a guy all other men dont exist to me. Hell even with music I only like one group at a time and right now its happens to be BTS...

In fact this music video is what made me come up with the 7 Dragons thingy...

 

Miss My Master...

His eyes have been bothering him a lot and is is super busy with work but I have been missing him like crazy...

Also my doc messed up my birth control and I havent been able to get refill for about a week so my hormones are messed up...

And a lot of things...

Having no job and no money during the holidays really sucks. I remember my first job I had my parents said I saved Christmas because I was able to buy gifts for everybody...

My mom even had to say that when she was 31 she was pregnant with me...

Right now I just feel so down and plan useless...

Eleven Years Difference...

Besides me smiling,the lighting and camera difference. I dont see many changes... Well except I stopped coloring my hair. I do miss having more red in my hair but my skin hated it... 

Also wtf happened to my eye brows in 2003. Maybe it was the make up

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow I turn 31.

I plan on wearing my famous stop traffic red dress to take a pik in it and compare it with the original pic I took in it to see how much I have aged.


The original pic I took when I was about 18, maybe 19.

All I Want For My Birthday...

Is for the temperature to be above freezing...

Doubt it will happen but who knows. A girl can wish cant she?

Its Offical...

While cutting potatoes out in the kitchen I noticed steam...

I was like where it the steam coming from because there is no hot water...

I kept looking and I noticed the steam was from me...


Its official Im smoking hot :P

(Repost) Ugh Shopping...

 (This is a repost from earlier because I accidentally deleted it. Luckily it was the cached. This was posted around 11am-ish; before the incident with the random guy harassing your bitch Sir)


Im probably one of the few women that doesnt enjoy shopping very much...

Before I go shopping I have something in mind that I want to buy already and if I cant find it then I dont get anything...

I also do the whole how often will I use this thing... I have talked myself out of buying so many things...

Hope I can find some boots today... Something that is plain and black (maybe has some pink because every since Master said that my collar might be pink, pink has been my color)...

No Ugs. I will not be caught dead in those. I want some nice quality snow boots that are hopefully around $40...

Im the same way with men as I am with shopping...

Yes Im shy but Im not afraid to go up to a man (or send him a message like I did with my Master)...

I only like certain types of men... And so far my Master fits everything: he is funny, kind, smart, nerdy, pays attention, foreign, Asian, and had a sexy voice. Him being taller than me and younger are just bonuses, though I wouldnt mind if he turned out to be shorter than me. I love the whole submitting to somebody that is younger than you...

Never Been So Happy To Be Back Home...

Today was horrible and Im just glad to be back home...

When I was walking to the bus stop this random guy walked up to me and was telling me how fine I was and that he would give me money just to spend some time with him. I repeatedly kept telling him no thank you, not interested and he keep saying he would give me more money and he would pay just for me to dance for him in a hotel. He went up to a thousand dollars and kept telling me stuff... The thing that pissed me off the most and made me almost kick him in the balls and grab my mace was him trying to touch me. I told him to not to touch but he grabbed my ass twice. He was lucky he ran because 5 more seconds he would have had a face full of mace. I was thinking about going back home after that happened because I didnt feel like having to deal with other guys because I was very very angry; but I had things I needed to do. I had to stop myself from crying because I hate when strangers walk up behind me, even more if the get too close to me.

I felt violated...

Im also very tired of guys thinking that offering me money will make me change my mind...

A long while ago I had some big hot shot government guy that wanted to date me...

Our first date was horrible and we had nothing in common but he kept trying to see me. He even offered to buy me a mansion in Ireland. He showed me the bill of sale for the place and all...


Why cant some men seem to understand the word no...

I have never been interested in money because it doesnt last for long. What I want is love and a long lasting connection. Which is why I prefer that my Master doesnt have much money so he understands that I dont want him for his money. I want him for him

Stressed Level Maximum...

I dont know why I have been feeling so stressed the past few days. Though I think its a combo of me getting order and still not married and no family of my own, too many things I need to do but no money, dont want to freeze to death like last year, and my Master's eye surgery and the fact that I miss him and am worrying about him...


I hate stress headaches sooo much...

I hardly ever get headaches except if Im stressed or have been crying a lot....

I just hope I have enough money to buy me some boots because atm I only have running shoes which arent good for snow...

I dont have any boots anymore because my wonderful father accidentally threw my boots out.... Thanks dad. I love you too

Why why, Mother dont betray me...

Without my allergy meds my nose runs almost all of the time and my mom just happened to be out of allergy meds too so she asked if she could have a few pills to last until I can get more...

I gave her my bottle so she could take a few pills out...

She gave me her empty bottle in return...

My mom took my pills and now my nose is running almost non stop and Im sneezing up a storm. I was planning on get more on Monday but I might have to do it today.


 ~~~~~~~~

Also Master is sooo handsome <3

Wish I could see him in person so I can see the rest of him. Touch him, taste him, whatever he wants me to do...

So in love with him and so submissive to him...

Im at the point that he can do anything to me withing worrying about anything because I trust him so much

Hope Master's eye surgery went ok. Im kinda worried about him because its the same eye as last time. I do think it was a little ironic because I have been having eye pain in my left eye for about a month. Went to see my eye but she didnt see anything wrong and told me it might be my sinuses acting up. Maybe me and my Master are really linked together somehow.

Fate <3

Sympathy Pains...

Master has another eye surgery and now my left eye has been hurting me a lot...

Might have to give in and take some pain meds....


Master as super sexy lips though...

 Nice and thick... just thinking about what he could use them for...

Books = Love

I love to read <3

Got these books this time...

Mostly about Korea and how to write better

The history of sex book... I'm not sure if I will like but if won't hurt if I read a little... I have tried reading erotic but all is does it makes me laugh because I can come up with much better things in my imagination...

Please leave...

My dad is sitting out in the living room with me and my mom watching tv. He never does this. He is usually in the little room on his computer. Why wont he just leave? He isnt even doing anything, just sitting there...

Im trying to leave to go to the library but he is in my way...

Ever since he told me that he could still kill me if he wanted I have felt very scared and nervous whenever Im in the same room with him. Im afraid of him just coming up behind me and bashing my skull in...

He has no idea how much I cant stand to be near him because Im scared of what he will do

Hello and Thank You...

I was only able to understand hello (annyeonghaseyo) and thank you? (gomabseunida)

Oh and fighting ....

They where talking soooo fast I couldnt understand anything else but it seems to be something postive

Another thing...

Both of my parents do that irritates me is that they dont put their trash in the trash.

My mom isnt as bad as my dad though. She only leaves empty cans and packages around, while my dad leaves egg shells and everything else all around. Usually after my dad gets something to eat he normally dont even put the food back.

All I want is to live in a semi-normal house hold... Sometimes it feels like Im the only adult here that uses their brain...

So frustrated and stressed out...

My dad always has to be in the center of attention and if he isnt he makes himself...

He either pretends to fall over things when he walks or else he constantly talks or is making some kind of noise nonstop...

Its really grating on my nerves...

I just want peace and quiet but I cant even have any because of my dad...

Trying to talk to my dad about anything is useless because he never thinks he does anything wrong and if you try to tell him otherwise he will blame others for his own actions...

I will be so happy when I can be with my Master and out of this place.

I do worry about my mom being alone with my dad because he only cares about himself. When my mom is sick he doesnt help her at all. When my dad is sick excepts everybody to drop everything and do everything for him.

Even when I try uploading my videos to put on my yaoi blog; he unplugs my internet cable from the router because he says that he has something important to do and Im messing him up... All he ever do is pretend to be a lesbian dominatrix on WoW. Even there he likes messing up other people's lives and making other people miserable.

Pictures are worth a thousand words...

Reminds me of when Master is skyping with me while he is at work. Whenever he stands up for whatever reason the camera just happens to center on his belt buckle and I get excited because of what he plans on doing to me with his belt and well because Im a total perv... Love Master's cock sooo much and I know its near....

I would be happy to always be at the eye level of Master's belt

Using logic when making tea...

The way I make my mom's tea is I add the tea first, then the sugar, and lastly the milk.

My logic is that it will taste the best this way. Sugar dissolves better in hot liquids than it does in cold liquids, also the hot tea will mix itself better with the milk if the milk is poured on top it. Hotter molecules travel faster than colder ones...

My mom told me to fix her tea the complete opposite. Add the milk first, then the sugar, and lastly the tea... Its her tea so if she wants it to not taste as good thats her fault

My tea and coffee I just have it black because I dont like adding stuff to it.

My dad....

Master called me on skype when I was in bed. I only had my cell phone with me so I figured I should answer him even though I had no idea how to mute it...

Just my luck, that one of the first things he heard was my dad telling me to bribe my mom to use her money to get us a pizza. My dad just also happened to say that he would give my mom oral sex if she got us pizza...

My dad is the reason why my parents have never meet any of my boyfriends...

He doesnt know how to talk around other people and always ends up saying something stupid and embarrassing

Ode to (aka thank you) Youtube

If it wasnt for a random very boring night a few years ago I would have never found out about yaoi

My first ever experience with yaoi a random youtube video...

Once I saw it I was like I dont know wtf this is but I like it

I have never heard of any animes at that point either


Also thank you for leading me to now my favorite song

I dont necessary like the meaning of the song, I just love the sound of the song

Also all of the boys are yummy + their hip action = nose bleed

Smart females know that size doesnt matter its how they move their hips

Totally gonna perv out right now cause I already am right now...

But everything I have read about Korean men is that they are great lovers.

I trust my Master is great is everything <3

I dont like knives... and butterflies

Because when I was 15 yrs old I was very very stupid and believed my boyfriend at the time that I wasnt pregnant even though my body kept telling me I was...

I was 5 months pregnant when I got the abortion and ever since then I have felt very guilty and depressed for having my baby killed...

Right after I had the abortion I thought that if it would pretty if I cut my wrists, laid on my bed flat on my back and spread my arms out so my blood would make butterfly wings as I died. I had to fight the urge to stick a knife in my belly... I was very stupid then...

I still dont really like knives because Im afraid that I might want to stick it in my belly like back then. If I can I will ask my mom to chop things up for me.

When my Master put to Exacto knife to his tongue it really freaked me out and brought back all of those bad memories.

Even though Im afraid of knives I trust my Master. If he is in to knife play I will let him do it as long as he is the one with the knife and not me...

Oh god I sound so stupid now...

Trusting my life with another person but not trusting myself with my own life