Being in a BDSM Relationship Doesn't Automatically Mean You Have to Be Poly

Advice to live by.

I hate seeing a Dom that wants to be poly but the sub doesn't want it. The sub tries talking to their Dom about it but their Dom doesn't listen. Fuck that shit if my Dom doesn't listen me I tell them bye bye, fuck you I can find somebody that will listen to me. I'm way too jealous to be poly. I would probably end up hurting the other person. I had one Dom try to force me into a poly relationship. I kept telling him no, unless he wanted me to leave because I see it as not needing me. It makes me feel useless and unwanted. What is mine is mine and if anybody touches him I will fuck them up. Some people can do poly and that's fine, but it's not for me.

Being in a poly relationship is one of the things that should be talked about before entering into a BDSM relationship. Many people that are part of the lifestyle are in a poly relationship but not everybody is. For every poly relationship I know of, I can think of two monogamous relationships. This might vary because I don't hang around that many poly people. Seeing how it works fantasizes me though. It's super complex and isn't for everybody. A lot of the times, turning a monogamous relationship into poly can break the relationship. It takes a lot of work. Also it seems in order to have a good poly relationship everybody has to have very open communication and nobody must be loved more than others or else it creates friction.

Its true that poly is part of BDSM. However; its not right to think that every BDSM relationship is poly and that everybody in BDSM wants a poly relationship. If your partner doesn't respect your thoughts and stance on having a poly relationship then its a sign that you need to rethink about being with your partner.


 

Receiving Hate While in the Lifestyle

The Clique (2008)

I have noticed that while in this lifestyle; there seems to be more hate from others also in this lifestyle than vanillas.

Everybody in this lifestyle knows the saying You're Kink Is Not My Kink (YKINMK) but very few seem to practice it. They understand how things work but they are extremely judgmental of others in this lifestyle that act or think differently.

Some people think that BDSM is black and white. You are either A, so you don't do B and therefore you must do C and E. Or else; you are B, so you don't do A and therefore you must do D and F. If you aren't that person's ideal, then you are wrong. If you don't think how they think and do what they do; then you are not welcome and labeled as an outcast.

A lot of things in BDSM have no clear definition or way to do things. People can do things differently while still keeping in mind any risks. Just because they are doing things differently doesn't make them wrong. They are doing what works best for them.

We get judged enough from vanillas; so we should understand the need to keep an open mind. As long as a person is happy and they aren't doing anything deeply detrimentally to their health and well being then there shouldn't be an issue.

Submissive with Asperger's Syndrome or a Brat?

Embrace it All

A few days ago I was in a group and I just happened to share that I was extremely happy to share a fantasy I have been having with my Daddy. A few people in the group go on my case telling me that a submissive doesn't act like that and if they do they are a brat and being a brat is the worst thing ever.

Because of me being an aspie, I have tons of thoughts in my head and I love being able to share them without being laughed at or ignored. Being ignored is one of the worst feelings an aspie can ever have. I had a Master that would laugh or else not pay attention when I wanted to share my ideas and fantasies. It crushed me and I was not happy. I left worthless. I had an idea that I thought would add to the relationship but it was ignored. I'm 100% happy now that I found somebody that is willing to let me speak and share my thoughts with; while knowing that I'm not trying to top from the bottom. I don't act out for attention. I just want to feel like I matter.

It might take a while to even know if you are an aspie. I just realized it not too long long. I linked it with my singular obsession, being awkward with people, and the fact that in elementary school teachers thought I had autism because I never made any friends or even talked to other kids.

Aspie subs may, at first, seem extremely bratty but they really aren't. They want to do everything possible for their Dom. They just act differently.

For more in-depth information about BDSM and  Asperger's Syndrome because check out these awesome fetlife groups:
* Aspies & Auties, run by Aspies & Auties
* Aspie Girls
* Autism and Asperger Information Exchange

Education First - BDSM Later

Photo credit: Death to Stock

I'm so sick and tired of seeing the types of Dom/mes that think they already know everything and are unwilling to learn. But what irritates me the most is the subs that belong to those type of Dom/mes. These subs are just promoting a very dangerous environment for themselves and possible future subs.

I see D/s as similar to driving a car. Where the Dom/me is the driver and the sub is the car. A person cant just say I want to drive that car right there. If this happens there is an extremely high chance of causing major damage to the car; even to the point that the car can no longer be used anymore. They may even cause major injures to themselves because they didn't know how to drive the car. Other people first teach the person how to drive, care, and operate the car. Different cars require different care and are driven differently.

I don't see how Dom/mes can get away without learning about how to be a good Dom/me first...

There are tons of places to learn about BDSM from. The internet, books, local events, and other people. People that only state that they learned at BDSM from porn is a huge no no and a major get the fuck away from the person flag. BDSM in porn is an extremely inaccurate representation of what BDSM is about and how to conduct it.

For convenience; books are the best way to start out learning about BDSM. Not everybody knows of any local groups, or munches; as a way to learn about BDSM.  For those that are reasonable and responsible; here is a short list of a few educational BDSM books to get you started off:

* The Control Book
* SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
* The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge
* The Loving Dominant
* The New Bottoming Book
* The New Topping Book

A Wake Up Call For Submissives

Safe In His Arms

Nothing pisses me off more than when I seem some poor helpless submissive crying and hurt because their Dom is too busy, or whatever, to take care of their sub.

A Dom's most treasured possession should their sub. Without their sub, the Dom is just an ordinary person. If a Dom doesn't step up to the plate and take care of their submissive; its a huge red flag. That is not a good Dom to be with.

True some Dom's may have a reason for not being able to do anything, like work, but they should at least send a quick text, or something, letting their sub know that they are busy and will take care of them as soon as possible. A Dom telling their sub that is 100% better than just ignoring the situation.

Ignoring the situation can cause the sub to have many different feelings. There can be feelings of loneliness, abandonment, depression, worthlessness, and maybe even cause sub drop. I will explain sub drop in a future post; but its one of the worst feelings a sub can ever get.

Please subs. If your Dom doesn't care if you are sick, hurting, and need to feel safe in your Dom's arms. Then you need tell them how horrible it makes you feel. If the Dom still doesn't care enough to do anything. Then walk away, as far and as fast as possible. It will be better to start over instead of staying with a Dom that makes you feel worthless when you need them the most.

The Dom is equal to the sun in the mind of a sub. Their reason for life. Without their sun, they will wither and die.

The Reason Why 50 Shades of Grey Isn't That Bad

The 50 Shades of Grey

While the 50 Shades of Grey books and movie are a vanilla's persons perspective about BDSM (E.L. James Interview on 20/20); with its extremely poor representation of a Dom/sub relationship and over all BDSM scenes. There is one good outcome to the books and movie.

It brings BDSM into the popular culture. I knew about being a submissive person all of my life because I enjoyed being told what to do. I just had no idea there where other people that felt and thought the same way as me. However; I found out about the whole BDSM sub-culture not through 50 Shades of Grey, but from an anime convention that happened to have a panel about BDSM. (I did read the books though, to see what they are about and... well to keep it short; I gave the books to my mom and she loved them)

Anime panel about BDSM

Those that have been this lifestyle for a while, should embrace the new wave of 50 Shaders. Be grateful that they are willing and eager to learn more about this lifestyle. Not all of the Shaders think that the books and movie are the holy grail to BDSM. The books and movie just peaked their interest and (hopefully) you will be delighted to share and give advice on what you love to do. Hell; maybe even one (or more) of the Shaders could end up being a new play partner. Whats so wrong with that?

Submissives On-Line

Me giving the internet the middle finger

Note: Before you read any further; this post is not about finding a submissive on-line. This post is about a submissive's behavior while on-line. The behavior varies greatly; depending on the dynamics of the submissive's relationship and their personal behavior in daily life.

Keeping up with my On-Line BDSM theme; I figured that I should talk about submissives behavior while on-line.

Outside of their BDSM relationship, which can include being on-line, most submissives don't act very submissive. A lot of on-line groups I know of are run by submissives. The most active members of these groups are also submissives. I also know of a lot of submissive bloggers. You may not even be able to tell that they are submissive unless they tell you.

There tons of complex answers as to why submissives may not act submissive on-line. That would require a long in-depth and boring analysis; that not many people would want to read. I figure that for the my style of writing and this blog; it would be best to give the short answer to this so-called phenomenon.

The reason for submissives not acting very submissive on-line is because they are only submissive towards their Dom. They still treat others with respect and are accountable for their own actions. They know that they aren't doormats for everybody to use; so they act more dominate than normal. They aren't afraid to speak up and ask questions. They give advice to others and share useful information. If they see another submissive in a troubling situation, they do their best to help.

Just because there is a submissive on-line that isn't acting very submissive; it doesn't mean that that submissive isn't any less submissive. The submissive can be the most submissive person in real life. You are just only seeing the on-line side of the submissive; not how they normally act. A lot of people act differently on-line than they do in real life; including people that are in the BDSM lifestyle.

My Experiences From Being In On-Line BDSM Groups

Photo credit: Death to Stock

Using the internet is one of the easiest ways to learn about BDSM. Personally, I don't think it the best way to learn because (like me) most people are just giving their option based on their own dynamic and experiences, and what is true for one person isn't true for everybody else.

Different people prefer different things and they might give a false outlook on how things are to be done. Some Doms hate bratty subs and think that bratty subs are horrible. While other Doms may absolutely adore bratty subs and they prefer them to any other type of sub. Some people have the mindset of your kink isn't my kink, so therefore it's wrong. There is a lot of that especially on-line; but more importantly I'm here today to talk specifically about BDSM groups on-line.

There are pro's and con's to on-line BDSM groups. Some groups may have wonderful information but the members of the group are rude to others. Some groups may have wonderful members but the group itself doesn't have any concrete information and the members just give their own thoughts. Then there are groups lead by a Dom that thinks that anybody that joins the group belongs to them. I highly suggest to stay away from this type of group because the Dom often demand things from the members, like nudes. If you do happen to join this type of group, leave and block the Dom that owns the group. This will eliminate any possible stalking and harassment. It's hard to tell some times what type of group you are about to join, and the only way to find out is to join the group yourself.

I prefer groups that contain friendly members that are willing to help; over groups that think that they know everything about this lifestyle, and if you don't act how they want you to act then your labeled as not a true lifestylier. I have been both types of these groups; more of the second type than the first type. I'm lucky not to have ever been in the third type of group I listed.

I seems to me that ever since 50 Shades of Grey (book and movie) came out, some people in this lifestyle feel the need to defend their certain way of life and bash anybody that doesn't do things how they where taught. I have gotten more hate from people in this lifestyle than from vanilla people just because I like to speak my mind. Some of the self proclaimed, hard-core lifestyliers have said that I don't act like a true submissive. Or true submissives wouldn't ever think that way, or let alone do that.
Here is my what I would like to say them (which I normally keep to myself because my momma taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say, then say anything at all); I have a brain and I like to ask questions. I hate the feeling of when a Dom laughs at me when I ask permission to ask a question or make a suggestion. I'm a very creative person with a very active imagination and I think that the Dom might enjoy my fantasies. However; when the Dom just laughs at me, without allowing me to speak, I feel worthless. I don't care if the Dom doesn't like what I say, I would just like to be heard. It's not me trying to top from the bottom. It's me trying to add to our relationship and make it more interesting.Yes I do love being treated like a possession, but I'm also a person with my own feeling and thoughts.

Here is my advice for anybody wishing to join on-line BDSM groups, or else already in one. Take other people's advice in hand; but you don't have to do as they say. If a group makes you feel pressured, stressed, or unhappy; there is no reason to stay in the group. All that matters is you and your partner's (if you have one or more) happiness and safety. Just because somebody may have 20+ years experience in this lifestyle it doesn't mean they know about your dynamic. Every person's dynamic is different and as long as it works don't let anybody change it.

BDSM is More Than Me Tarzan, You Jane

Johnny Weissmuller and Maureen O’Sullivan in Tarzan and His Mate (1934).

Nothing irritates me more than people thinking that all men should be Doms and all women should be subs no matter what.

This lifestyle is much more complex than me Tarzan, you Jane.

Women can be Dommes, men can be submissive. People can be switches and want to do both. Not to mention all the many different other things people can be...

Ladies if your man doesnt want to dom you, dont force him. Men if your lady isnt submissive, tough titty.

Either live with the fact that your partner isnt interested in this lifestyle or else find a new partner that is. Not everybody is a lifestyler.

In this lifestyle you cant force people to do something they don't want to unless you want to end up damaging your relationship.

Yes I know that you may love your significant other; but if you are truly unhappy with them not fulling your needs than you will have to look else where to get them filled. Either by getting paid sessions with a professional or by finding a new partner.