Different...

Im different than normal people. It probably has a lot to do with my dad beating me because for the longest time I was scared of men. I thought that if I stood up for myself against a man and told him no he would get very angry and want to kill me.

All my life I wanted lived for other people. Jobs I would do whatever the management told me to do; for relationships I would always ask my boyfriend what he wanted me to do.

I have never felt safe going out alone because of when I was in school; I dont remember when except that is was Valentine's Day,  but some guy was following me in his car all the way to my house. I tried running away but he wouldnt leave me alone. My parents ending up calling the cops and I ended up in the hospital

I have been used and abused my whole life and I wanted it but I wasnt happy.

Im glad I decided to go to AnimeUSA 2013 and going to the panel about BDSM & Anime because if I wouldnt have gone to that I would have never found out about fetlife and I would have never found my Master.

At first I wasnt going to join fetlife because I figured that it would be like the other online dating sites where guys just wanted a quickie and didnt care about me. At first fetlife was like that because new subs are bombarded with wanna be doms wanting you to submit to them right away. Yes I may be new to thins but Im not stupid and I probably know more about BDSM than you do.

I have been living this was my whole life,  I have always wanted this. I have always wanted to devote my life to pleasing one man. Allowing him to do whatever he wants to me. Wanting him to cause me pain because pain is the only emotion I know. Pain makes me feel alive.

My life has not been good and most people would think I wanted to change it but Im happy with myself. I know whats its like to have nothing. I have only learned to need what is necessary. The only thing I would change is I would always be by my Master side; or at least living with him.