Coldness...

Im never meant to act cold towards my Master...

A few things I need to work on...

1. Forgetting what I wanted to say when my Master messages me - I dont know what it is but usually when he messages I get super happy and forget everything else but him.

2. Also adding to forgetting what to say I sometimes want to tell him everything. - I mean everything, like the time in 1st grade when I was getting picked on for wearing for glasses so I lost them on purpose so I wouldnt have to wear them for a while. To things like all the different Korean stuff I learned. And what foods tend to make my stomach hurt...

3. Feeling like I need to hold my tongue. - Goes along with telling him everything...

4. Unsure how to respond. - Despite popular believe I actually sometimes I trouble forming what to say because I have a zillion things going on in my head.

5. Taking a few days to form my thoughts. - I like to thinks things out before I respond. Like with this post...


Probably even some of the coldness has to do with the many years of working in customer service. People would tend to yell at me complaining about people that I worked with. I had to learn to act calm and not take it personal so I wouldnt get angry at the costumer.

After learning that I was really a slave and wanted to serve one man its like my emotions are in over drive. I used to never but now I cry almost one a day. Happy tears and sad tears, though more happy tears than sad because Im happy with my Master. Like right now I have been crying almost the whole time writing this.

Opening your heart and giving your soul to another person has left me feeling happy and free but also feeling more vulnerable. Putting your life in another person's hands takes a lot of trust and love. It hurts a lot that I am not fully his yet.

Also most of my life I have felt like I didnt belong and was an outsider. So finally the feeling of belonging is very new to me. Im still learning and adjusting to this feeling. Im different than other people because I have always been very shy and always asking others what they wanted me to do.  I have always felt that unless I knew everything then I should ask others what to do. (Probably this is the main reason I love my Master because he is so smart)

I have only just learned about being a slave not too long before I met my Master. I have known about BDSM almost all my life but I thought it was mostly just tying up somebody using them. I am so grateful for that BDSM & Anime panel I went to or else I would have never found out about fetlife. Without fetlife I would have never found my Master <3 This is the reason i still have the booklet, ID, and schedule from a year ago. He means that much to me <3

Memories

Its about 70 out and to me thats freezing so I had to wear my indoor coat... Yes I have an indoor and an outdoor coat. Well about two different indoor coats and about 3 outdoor coats...

Well in the pocket of said coat I found my little baggie of salt I used for when my nipples still needed the warm salt water soaks

Re: Re: Re: Nipple Rings

After about 5 months Im still very surprised at myself for getting them done...

Even though when my Master brought it up it made my stomach turn.  The first few days where when it was still bleeding. Seeing the blood made me almost pass out...

So very happy I got them done...

Like it better than getting a tattoo because its a constant reminder of my Master...

Not really sure what else to say about them except thinking about what I have done for my Master makes me feel like Im swimming in a warm bubbly pool of floating happiness (you know the like super kawii sparkly water parts in animes)

Goals...

The more I read those books about Korea and Korean immigrants the more I feel less of myself. Koreans seem to be super hard working and determined...

While all I have ever wanted to be is a good wife, slave & mother...

Its not that Im lazy but I just want to do whatever to is needed keep my man (my Master) happy

Another Dream...

Had another dream about my Master. This one was a little different though...

I was the favorite niece of the Queen of England... I was living as a royal in Buckingham Place.. My Master was assigned to be my personal bodyguard but after a while he had to quit being my bodyguard. I asked why he wanted to quit because he was so good to me and he said he had to quit because he fell in love with me...

Well the Queen knew of this and she allowed me to make a choice. My Master could quit and be kicked out of place or else he could stay as my partner. I wanted him to stay and the more he knew about me the more he found that I hated having power. I hated telling servants what to do etc...

He could tell that I wanted to do whatever he told me to do so he made me his property... <3

Thats all of the dream I remember esp for that one time in our summer house where there was a party and  we sneaked off to have sex near the lake. I was wearing a white dress with nothing underneath and when I went in the water it turned see thru. Well my Master just had to take what was his and we had sex right there not caring if anybody saw us but he made sure I stayed quiet <3

Best friend ever

Talking for about 3 hrs with my friend and I feel a little better.

He is such a nice guy and told me maybe my boyfriend is just busy and thats why I havent heard from him. Though he did say that I should be important enough to get some kinda reply.

I think the reason me and my friend get alone so well is because we act the same. Though put us in a group and I tend to be the more bossy one... Lol me bossy what a fucking joke. I do better following orders than giving them. 

The most in common thing we seem to have is our share of heart aches and being used.

We always try to help each other out when the other is down. I swear if it wasnt for the age and race we could be twins because we like almost he same things

Expectation...

Proof Positive...

He doesnt seem to care how I feel...

Yeah all that "if my slave is not good neither am I" or whatever...

Guess it only applies for me to getting infected paper cuts and bloody noises but not a mental break down caused by stress...

But hey no biggie its not like he is physiologist or anything, though some sign of support or at least acknowledgment is better than nothing...

Hope my dad wont be watching me tonight while I choke myself till I pass out. Its the only thing that seems to help when Im alone

Also having no idea what my Master looks like is kinda silly. I dont really care what he looks like I would just like to be able to recognize him when I see him for the first time in person. Also its kinda hard to worship something where all you have is a pic of them after eye surgery

Though I dont mind staring at him all day long. Really wish I could stare at my Master

 

Words...

Im not even sure what I want to write here but I need some kinda of stress release...

Running as never worked to release stress because I just tend to focus on it more...

My Master wont help me for whatever reason...

I have been crying so much from all this shit I gotta put with with my family my stomach like its  in knots  and Im gonna puke any second and it feels like Im getting a fever. Not to mention my nose is rubbed raw from blowing it so much...

Be driven crazy...

By my father...

All of a sudden my dad has been smoking cigars and no matter how many times me and my mom tells him to stop smoking because it makes us sick, he wont stop. Its like he wants to make me and mom miserable on purpose...

He also knows we barely have enough money each month but he still have to spend $30+ dollars  so he can have his cigars...

I knew I should have ran away a few years ago when I couldnt stand living here anymore. My parents begged me to stay telling me that it would be better but it has only gotten worse

Believe me if I had the money I would be in LA with my Master

RE: Last Night's Dream...

Last night I has the most wonderful and strange dream ever...

It was about my Master giving me a rimjob...

I have never had a rimjob before and was a little embarrassed by it but my Master loves my ass so much that he didnt care if I was embarrassed by it. He took me and pushed me down my my stomach and had my ass up and was licking all around my ass hole...

It was the most wonderful feeling ever and I kept cumming until he stopped...

Damn even writing this is making my pussy wet...

Never had a rimjob ever anyway but if my Master wants it he gets it <3

Music

I tend to be very picky with almost everything but with music I only listen to curtain things





Here is what I like...



Well kpop wise anyway...

Quiet please...

One thing I never been able to get is peace and quiet. My mom is always blaring the tv and my dad is always making mindless noises.  Its really stressing me out to the point that Im crying.

So far the only moments I have had where everything is quiet is when late at night my Master skypes with me.

Another thing I dont enjoy is people just talking for the sake of talking.They form words with their mouth but the words have no meaning or context. Unless if you are sharing or trying to gain information then please be quiet. I have no interest in hearing about how short you cut your hair or other meaningless things like that.

That goes for songs too. Most modern songs are just saying the same words over and over again, trying to make a rhyme that makes since but it just ends up sounding like a third grader wrote it. This is why I refuse to leave my house without my headphones and my Yuya. I will not taint myself with meaningless music.


Though, Master can tell me anything he wants to because everything he says is important. <3

The Story of The Master & his slave

I never really told anybody the story about us but Im not sure how else to show how wonderful he is.... (its kinda long)

We met on fetlife when he posted an add looking for somebody to be his property. I responded to it and he didnt expect me to submit to him or say Im his or anything; he wanted to know about me first. After a while of chatting he let me pick what I would call him; either Sir or Master. I went with Sir because it seemed more fitting seeing as he hasnt collared me but once he does collar me I will call him Master. He was perfectly fine with that.

A few months later; I was PMSing and I got very angry at him for something silly he posted on fetlife. I dont remember the exact words but I called him a lair and said everything he was telling me is bullshit.. He was very surprised I was that mad over something that was nothing and he broke it off with me. I realized my error after the fact and apologized to him telling him I was wrong but I didnt hear anything back from him in over 2 weeks so I figured he didnt want me anymore.
I never fully got over him even though I was talking to a new Dom (the Dom knew this). I was with this new Dom for about a month when my (current) Master emailed me asking if I wanted another chance. I was so happy to hear from him and I wanted to say yes but I figured that it wouldnt be fair to this Dom I was talking to. So I asked the Dom what to do and he said just to reply with no. I asked if he wanted me to delete the email and he also said no.Then it was like fate stepped in; after a failed panty stuffed session that ended with me injured. I thought the Dom left me because I didnt hear from that Dom until 6 days later. I though I disappointed him because I couldnt do the task he wanted me to do. I checked my email everyday to see if the Dom had sent me an email saying he had to travel for work . Everyday the email from my Master was sitting there and after six days I could no longer take it. I hesitantly emailed my Master back telling him that yes I did want him back and I only said no because I was talking to another Dom and the other Dom told me to say no. I told my Master the reason I was talking to another Dom was because I thought he no longer wanted me.

My Master excepted me back but he said he would be more harsh on me and I could no longer use fetlife; which I was fine with. I remember back in late December he told me that I might not hear from him for a week because he had to get eye surgery but we chatted for hours everyday. That was when he brought up about me getting my nipples pierced for him. I asked him how I would do that and he told me to think about it. All I had to think about was a needle and blood. I could feel a panic attack starting. I told my Master about my panic attack and I asked him if it was ok if I made myself some tea. He said sure go ahead make tea and that if I was unable to get my nipple pierced thats fine. He just thought it would be a good idea for me to get. After that he never brought up nipple piercing again.

It was in February when I was thinking of something special I could do for Valentine's Day for him to show to my devotion and how happy I was for him taking me back. I remembered him wanting me to get the nipple piercings. I looked up as much info as I could about them because I wanted them to be prefect for him. A few days before Valentine's Day I randomly asked him which nipple he wanted pierced. He was surprised and proud of me that I was getting them done. The first few days where hard because of the bleeding but he helped me as much as he could. Now I keep looking for a job so I can have the money so I can move in with him.
I am so happy to be his.

Happy slave *squeeee*

Finally had a well needed session with my Master. Happy slave now

Btw back to uploading all my yaoi lps but this time on dailymotion. People have told me that they wont take my videos down. Also running my yaoi blog again. Hopes my Master can help with translating with Hadaka Shitsuji site because my translator button wont work for that site :( 

The site that in Japanese and I cant understand a word of it ~ http://madalabo.com/

My yaoi blog ~ http://dustyplayblgames.blogspot.com/

To explain the name I picked, Dusty Manson, its the name of my first dog (Dusty) and my fav overall entertainer ( Marilyn Manson)



~~~~~~~~~

Side note: Even though I only listen to k-pop and Yuya Matsushita doesnt mean I understand much of what they are saying. Im able to pick up a few words but most of the time I just stare at the guys and drool :P

Zombie attacks...

Cause confusion and apparently so did my last post.

My last post was a rant over me sending my Master a skype message asking him if I was able to make a request for something I wanted to do with him/for him.

Points of confusion:

1. He messaged me back taking about his assignment and he would like it but vanilla people wouldnt... I was like huh and so confused that I thought maybe he was talking to somebody else. That doesnt happen to me often but I have done that in the past. Thats why I had to change my friend's name on my cell; Horace is too close to Home. I thought I was calling Horace to tell him about my ex was talking about wanting to marry me but instead I called home. I was so embarrassed and had to tell my mom not to tell my dad yet.

2. My Master kept telling me to not talk to the teacher about that. I was like huh... talk to the teacher about what?

My original question was if we would be interested in me doing forced lactation because of my fantasy of him having me around me all the time so he can breastfeed whenever he wants to.

My brain tends to work overtime and I tend to over think things a lot and have a zillion ideas in my head at once so the forced lactation was out of my mind because I thought that my Master just ignored my request...

Finally, I think I understood that my Master was confused that I wanted to do the finial paper for English about forced lactation; which if I did he would fail the class because this strange online class is only limited to writing about LA... True I havent been to school in over 10 years; but normally in English classes the students writing about many different topics and ideas instead of just one focused subject. Im having a hard enough in this class because I know nothing about LA and I have to pretend Im Korean; which pretending to be Korean is easier for me because I know more stuff about Korea than I do LA... Also I prefer Korean music, tv, and movies (and the god-like-fine-as-hell-sexy-ass Korean mens) over anything American

And fyi I still have no idea what to do for the final paper because my Master hasnt sent me any feedback yet

Fantasies... (unhappy slave)

I have noticed that anytime I bring up any suggestion of something I would like for my Master to do he ignores it. At least I guess he ignores me because he never says anything about it.

Was gonna try to talk to him about forced lactation but I guess a slave's fantasies dont matter no matter how good they can be.

Whatever though, as long as he doesnt ignore me all the time I can deal with it. Though Im starting to feel more like a sweat shop slave than a fuck slave

*********************************

Edit: This is my journal and I was holding my tongue a lot in this post but I figured it would be best if I didnt so I will add a few thoughts no matter what they are...

Im extremely unhappy because all me and my Master ever talk about anymore is his damn English class. If that is all he wants me for then I will start charging him per hour for the work I do. Yes this was talked about before hand but before we used to talk and have regular skype sessions. Before it was like he really wanted to be with me now it just feels like he just wants me to be his lackey so he can get his degree. I do enjoy taking this class but its kinda stressing me out because I feel like I have no time for anything else.

I have heard that Korean men make wonderful lovers and boyfriends but very shitty husbands because they stop paying you any attention.  Maybe this is this husband phase of the relationship. Gotta get used to being treated like Im nothing but then I am used to being treated that way

   

Bad Bitch

I remember my Master telling me that I had to ask his permission to see naughty pictures. I was bad and did a search for hot Asian men. I found this tumblr link http://asian-men-in-full-nudity.tumblr.com/ and I looked at many pages...

I didnt ask for permission, I did it myself without approval.

Pretty sure I already told my Master but I dont touch myself because I dont get any pleasure out of that. I love being told to masturbate.

Im a huge control freak. As in I love being controlled. Hell my Master can even control my breathing if he wants to.

I remember reading his post in that made me want to respond to him. He did he didnt want his property to think, he would make all the decisions. I have wanted that all my life

Different...

Im different than normal people. It probably has a lot to do with my dad beating me because for the longest time I was scared of men. I thought that if I stood up for myself against a man and told him no he would get very angry and want to kill me.

All my life I wanted lived for other people. Jobs I would do whatever the management told me to do; for relationships I would always ask my boyfriend what he wanted me to do.

I have never felt safe going out alone because of when I was in school; I dont remember when except that is was Valentine's Day,  but some guy was following me in his car all the way to my house. I tried running away but he wouldnt leave me alone. My parents ending up calling the cops and I ended up in the hospital

I have been used and abused my whole life and I wanted it but I wasnt happy.

Im glad I decided to go to AnimeUSA 2013 and going to the panel about BDSM & Anime because if I wouldnt have gone to that I would have never found out about fetlife and I would have never found my Master.

At first I wasnt going to join fetlife because I figured that it would be like the other online dating sites where guys just wanted a quickie and didnt care about me. At first fetlife was like that because new subs are bombarded with wanna be doms wanting you to submit to them right away. Yes I may be new to thins but Im not stupid and I probably know more about BDSM than you do.

I have been living this was my whole life,  I have always wanted this. I have always wanted to devote my life to pleasing one man. Allowing him to do whatever he wants to me. Wanting him to cause me pain because pain is the only emotion I know. Pain makes me feel alive.

My life has not been good and most people would think I wanted to change it but Im happy with myself. I know whats its like to have nothing. I have only learned to need what is necessary. The only thing I would change is I would always be by my Master side; or at least living with him.

 

Luckiest person ever...

Im so lucky and happy to belong to my Master

I cant even put it in words. I just wish it wasnt so hard to get a job. I need money before I can move out with him and Im glad he is patience

I can feel it...

PMS is starting so I better be careful...

Im trying to ask my Master what LA is like know because the only things I have learned about LA is from the movie LA Confidential and the game Grand Theft Auto...

I could tell I was starting to PMS because I thought to myself that if I had to ask my Master again and he ignores me again I will just post in the class thread that LA is nothing like in the movies or books. Its filled with unicorns fighting Godzilla monsters. And the reason for their fighting is so they can control the salt water taffy industry....

(Now I miss salt water taffy. Its sooo good)

Pigtails

There is just something about me having my hair in pigtails...

Today I had my hair in low pigtails so I could wear my hat and even though I was hot, sweaty, and my face was redder than a lobster at least 4 guys in cars stopped to try to get my number. Pretty sure one guy stopped his truck in a parking lot just so he would watch my ass as I walked by cause all he did was roll his window down and stare at me. Even two guys walking said things like hey boo... I cant even remember how meany guys honked their horns at me. I dont mind it much until they start following me. Though it just makes me want my Master more <3