BDSM 101: Signs of an Abusive Dom

Photo credit: Death to Stock

This topic will be very hard for me to write because its a very tender subject for me. I have been abused by my father and a few partners. I'm just so lucky to have been able to get away before anything horrible happened to me. I hope that this helps others from feeling trapped, helpless, and lost. There is help out there. I will post links at the bottom.

Many abusers, both men and women, use the guise of Dom/me when in fact they are really just abusive people. Abuse never goes away or gets better; its only gets worse. Here are some signs to let you know that you need to drop everything and leave no matter what.

1. Doms that don't allow you to say no. Yes, you are submissive but you are not a doormat. You still have the right to say no to something that you don't want to do.
2. Using fear as means of control. Nobody should be in fear of their Dom. Fear shows a lack of trust; and without trust there is no BDSM relationship.
3. Wanting you to cut all ties with your family and friends.  This is a way of them isolating you, so you cant leave them. Also, others wont know what is happening and their is a less chance of them getting caught.
4. Turning things around so everything is your fault. This takes away your self esteem and makes you feel more dependent on them. It also makes you feel like you are the reason for their abusive behavior.
5. Forcing you to do things that you don't want to do. Consent, consent, consent. If there isn't any consent then it isn't BDSM its abuse. It doesn't matter what the Dom says; if you cant consent then you need to leave and never look back.
6.  Not allowing you to ask questions. If you aren't allowed to ask questions then how can you properly serve? You cant. This also goes in hand with using fear as a way to control you. You start to fear doing everything because you aren't sure how the Dom wants things done. Then the Dom uses that excuse of not doing things his way and he processes to beat the shit out of you.
7.  Not allowing safe words or else ignoring them. Safe words are used to let Doms know when you are unable to take anymore type of play, no matter the reason. 
8. Ignoring your limits. Everybody has limits for a reason; wither its medical, legal, ethical, etc. Limits are to never be crossed without a prior discussion. Completely ignoring limits shows that the person is un-trust worthy and doesn't have any empathy for how you feel. Also this can lead to dangerous situations that might injure you.
9. Belittling you. They make you think and feel that you are nothing and without them you wont be able to survive on your own.

I can add more but at this point I'm crying and shaking too much because of bad memories. Bottom line is something ever feels off or wrong to you, trust your gut and leave before its too late.

Here are the links to get help and also more information on abuse:

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline

Support, resources and advice for your safety

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Available: 24/7, 365 days a year. Bilingual advocates on hand.

• Resources: https://www.thehotline.org/