Coldness...

Im never meant to act cold towards my Master...

A few things I need to work on...

1. Forgetting what I wanted to say when my Master messages me - I dont know what it is but usually when he messages I get super happy and forget everything else but him.

2. Also adding to forgetting what to say I sometimes want to tell him everything. - I mean everything, like the time in 1st grade when I was getting picked on for wearing for glasses so I lost them on purpose so I wouldnt have to wear them for a while. To things like all the different Korean stuff I learned. And what foods tend to make my stomach hurt...

3. Feeling like I need to hold my tongue. - Goes along with telling him everything...

4. Unsure how to respond. - Despite popular believe I actually sometimes I trouble forming what to say because I have a zillion things going on in my head.

5. Taking a few days to form my thoughts. - I like to thinks things out before I respond. Like with this post...


Probably even some of the coldness has to do with the many years of working in customer service. People would tend to yell at me complaining about people that I worked with. I had to learn to act calm and not take it personal so I wouldnt get angry at the costumer.

After learning that I was really a slave and wanted to serve one man its like my emotions are in over drive. I used to never but now I cry almost one a day. Happy tears and sad tears, though more happy tears than sad because Im happy with my Master. Like right now I have been crying almost the whole time writing this.

Opening your heart and giving your soul to another person has left me feeling happy and free but also feeling more vulnerable. Putting your life in another person's hands takes a lot of trust and love. It hurts a lot that I am not fully his yet.

Also most of my life I have felt like I didnt belong and was an outsider. So finally the feeling of belonging is very new to me. Im still learning and adjusting to this feeling. Im different than other people because I have always been very shy and always asking others what they wanted me to do.  I have always felt that unless I knew everything then I should ask others what to do. (Probably this is the main reason I love my Master because he is so smart)

I have only just learned about being a slave not too long before I met my Master. I have known about BDSM almost all my life but I thought it was mostly just tying up somebody using them. I am so grateful for that BDSM & Anime panel I went to or else I would have never found out about fetlife. Without fetlife I would have never found my Master <3 This is the reason i still have the booklet, ID, and schedule from a year ago. He means that much to me <3

Memories

Its about 70 out and to me thats freezing so I had to wear my indoor coat... Yes I have an indoor and an outdoor coat. Well about two different indoor coats and about 3 outdoor coats...

Well in the pocket of said coat I found my little baggie of salt I used for when my nipples still needed the warm salt water soaks

Re: Re: Re: Nipple Rings

After about 5 months Im still very surprised at myself for getting them done...

Even though when my Master brought it up it made my stomach turn.  The first few days where when it was still bleeding. Seeing the blood made me almost pass out...

So very happy I got them done...

Like it better than getting a tattoo because its a constant reminder of my Master...

Not really sure what else to say about them except thinking about what I have done for my Master makes me feel like Im swimming in a warm bubbly pool of floating happiness (you know the like super kawii sparkly water parts in animes)

Goals...

The more I read those books about Korea and Korean immigrants the more I feel less of myself. Koreans seem to be super hard working and determined...

While all I have ever wanted to be is a good wife, slave & mother...

Its not that Im lazy but I just want to do whatever to is needed keep my man (my Master) happy

Another Dream...

Had another dream about my Master. This one was a little different though...

I was the favorite niece of the Queen of England... I was living as a royal in Buckingham Place.. My Master was assigned to be my personal bodyguard but after a while he had to quit being my bodyguard. I asked why he wanted to quit because he was so good to me and he said he had to quit because he fell in love with me...

Well the Queen knew of this and she allowed me to make a choice. My Master could quit and be kicked out of place or else he could stay as my partner. I wanted him to stay and the more he knew about me the more he found that I hated having power. I hated telling servants what to do etc...

He could tell that I wanted to do whatever he told me to do so he made me his property... <3

Thats all of the dream I remember esp for that one time in our summer house where there was a party and  we sneaked off to have sex near the lake. I was wearing a white dress with nothing underneath and when I went in the water it turned see thru. Well my Master just had to take what was his and we had sex right there not caring if anybody saw us but he made sure I stayed quiet <3

Best friend ever

Talking for about 3 hrs with my friend and I feel a little better.

He is such a nice guy and told me maybe my boyfriend is just busy and thats why I havent heard from him. Though he did say that I should be important enough to get some kinda reply.

I think the reason me and my friend get alone so well is because we act the same. Though put us in a group and I tend to be the more bossy one... Lol me bossy what a fucking joke. I do better following orders than giving them. 

The most in common thing we seem to have is our share of heart aches and being used.

We always try to help each other out when the other is down. I swear if it wasnt for the age and race we could be twins because we like almost he same things

Expectation...